Men Who DJ On New Year’s Eve.

Just as the “man” who trolls for drunk women on Halloween or tries to have sex with vulnerable relatives on Thanksgiving, so too, does the “man” who DJs on New Year’s Eve have an ulterior motive. Rather than it being about his “art,” DJing on New Year’s Eve signifies a strong desire to have sex with multiple bitches in one evening.

Average flier for a "man" DJing on New Year's Eve

Average flier for a “man” DJing on New Year’s Eve

“Men” who DJ in Williamsburg at places like, say, Output or Verboten, are of a particularly strong strain of dicklessness as it is quite obvious they are unable to get as easily laid with their playlist on any other night of the year due to the fact that women are at least somewhat sober enough during non-holiday events to gauge that what they’re playing is shit. But alas, how else is a Williamsburg DJ supposed to have a happy new year if he doesn’t “work” on December 31st?

Men Who Get Stabbed At Output.

While it is faintly admirable to try to make Williamsburg seem even remotely hood again (as it once was in the early 90s), there is obviously no hope of ever being able to do so, what with J. Crew and Urban Outfitters being part of the neighborhood now. Even so, this is exactly what London Rene, the “boy”friend of Mob Wives star Natalie Guercio, attempted to achieve by getting stabbed in the face with a box cutter at Output on Wythe and N. 12th.

Classy tweet

Classy tweet

Worst of all, and adding to the dicklessness, Rene was taken to Woodhull Hospital in the wake of the injury. It is perhaps one of the most undignified combinations with regard to a dickless Williamsburg occurrence to date. After all, it’s bad enough for a “man” to go somewhere like Output in the first place, but to get stabbed in addition (especially considering the relatively tame environs), well, it’s rather effete, isn’t it?

Men Who Are Incapable of Seamless Christmas Decorating.

There’s a fine line between being so daftly macho that one can’t decorate and so annoyingly dainty and effete that one is too good at decorating. The in-between point of these two, however, generally tends to be a dickless “man” who half-asses his Christmas decorating attempts to the point of Marv-ing the situation with his doltish movements.

Clueless about Christmas decorating

Clueless about Christmas decorating

Is it really so difficult for a “man” to be able to decorate without a woman’s assistance while still falling faintly into the heterosexual category? Apparently so. Because every Christmas, the sound of “men” being electrocuted by Christmas lights or screams from stabbing themselves in the eye with various pine needles can be heard all along the East River.

Men Who Wait For Hours on Sunday to Eat at Pies ‘n’ Thighs.

Being that Williamsburg is one of the primary douche bag hubs of New York City, it’s no shock that the “men” who flock there are willing to flaunt their dicklessness by waiting as long as two hours in order to sit in a cramped, grease-scented space and stuff their faces with a fried chicken box.

Is this beige grab bag really worth the wait?

Is this beige grab bag really worth the wait?

It’s hard to say why “men” are so willing to relinquish their dick by waiting to eat at Pies ‘n’ Thighs. Is it to impress their one-night stand from the previous evening or is it to soak up the residual alcohol still in their system? One can never be certain. But all I know is, there’s a Checkers nearby that gives you way more bang for your buck and has the greasy food scene on lockdown. And that’s how you impress a lady.

Men Who Like To “Give Advice” a.k.a. Tell You What the Fuck to Do.

I don’t know where “men” got it into their heads that they were a wealth of valuable knowledge, just waiting to be imparted to you, but it’s been something that’s been going on in since the dawn of human speech. While the grunts have become more coherent, they haven’t become any more useful.

Sheila Heti, one of the many authorial patron saints of Williamsburg, said it best in her book, How Should A Person Be?: “He was just another man who wanted to teach me something.” Perhaps “men” need a gentle reminder that, shocking as it may be, the female brain is indeed capable of making informed decisions without unsolicited male input. So unless asked, keep your opinions (and your nub dick) to yourself.

Men Who Dupe You Into Thinking They’re Hot With Their British Accent, But Then You Turn Round And They Be Hella Ugly.

In addition to Williamsburg being the hub of dickless “men,” it is also the hub of dickless European “men” (is there any other kind of European “man,” really?), particularly British ones. Like the riddle of the Sphinx, no one can quite decipher how these “men” have enough money to live in waterfront condos–perhaps it’s purely by virtue of being British.

What the average British "man" looks like when you turn around to see them after hearing their alluring accent

What the average British “man” looks like when you turn around to see them after hearing their alluring accent

In any case, there’s nothing worse than when a British “man” announces himself vocally without first inducting his face into your view. Because then, even if his aesthetic is porcine or lizard-like (which it invariably will be), you won’t be falsely seduced into a certain idea of how he will look when you turn around only to find that his visage has broken your heart as quickly as his accent made it swell.

Men Who Plan To Work At the Apple Store on Bedford Avenue.

Working at the Apple Store in any part of New York City already seriously calls into question one’s manhood, but to do it on Bedford Avenue is to willingly cede all traces of your dick. The strategic location of the store not only embeds the coffin of old Williamsburg deeper into the ground, but also infers you’re willing to subject yourself to retarded milfs who are never going to let you sleep with them.

A mock-up of the future Apple Store at 247 Bedford Avenue

A mock-up of the future Apple Store at 247 Bedford Avenue

Not only will you see stroller upon stroller attached to various Williamsburg women who will merely ask question after question until finally using their husband’s credit card to buy a new iPad, but you’ll also suffer from the blue balls of never penetrating their memories or their vaginas. Spare some of your dick by instead seeking employment at the nearby Bagelsmith. ‘Cause the drunk women who roll up in there are far more likely to give you the time of day.

Men Who Play Big Buck Hunter At Bars.

Playing video games of any kind is automatically a sign that you have to play with a control of some sort since you don’t have a dick to play with. But at least when you’re playing video games at home, you’re not putting your dicklessness on blast the way you do when you freely pick up a fake gun to shoot at some innocent deer on the screen of Big Buck Hunter.

Does shooting at this buck make you feel like a man?

Does shooting at this buck make you feel like a man?

Available at most Williamsburg bars still left, like the Levee, Big Buck Hunter players not only have no shame, but they’re also statistically less likely to have a one-night stand with anyone who sees them playing this game. So if you have the urge to do something with your hands while at a bar, how about taking out your credit card to buy a lady a drink instead?

Men Who Plan to Live In the Condo That Used to be White Castle.

Even for “men” who are not aware that the condo going up at 781 Metropolitan Avenue was once a beautiful, drunk person’s haven known as White Castle, he should simply be able to intuit that this property is hallowed ground, not meant for bourgeois pigs to live on it.

Is this really where a "rich man" should live? In an apartment building with the ghost of so many drunken tales and dead animals?

Is this really where a “rich man” should live? In an apartment building with the ghost of so many drunken tales and dead animals?

For a “man” to just move into this space like nothing ever happened here before–like all manner of drunken fuck-ups didn’t stuff their faces and then subsequently use the bathroom to immediately shit or vomit it all out–is quite simply ludicrous. And yes, it means he’s missing a dick if he’s shelling out to live in a place that once sold food designed to accommodate broke asses.