Month: November 2016

Men Who Don’t Like Charles Bukowski.

November 30, 2016 — Leave a comment

Believe it or not, it’s usually women who enjoy the writerly stylings of Charles Bukowski. He just has that quality that screams “Daddy,” and it always gets to women like Lizzie Grant. And while some “men” might admit that he has a certain cachet, you’ll rarely find one as enthusiastic about him as a layday.

Maybe it has to do with how non-“sophisticated” his writing is. Aspiring “male” writers are generally grandiose by nature, turning instead to classic “heavyweights” like Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald, though both were technically far more contemptible both in alcoholic tendencies and treatment of women. Yes, to be sure, it’s more than likely a result of what a feminist Bukowski actually is that “men” have a lukewarm reaction to him. And though some may balk, “Bukowski, a feminist? Bullshit. He was a philanderer led around by his dick.” Well, at least he had one. And could romance a woman without leaving her feeling sucked dry à la Zelda Sayre (you won’t catch me referring to her with F. Scott’s last name).

In fact, Bukowski was so sensitive, so feeling (rare traits for a “man”) that he was sent into a deep depression after the death of his first love, Jane Cooney Baker. Most, conversely, would’ve just shrugged and looked for the next vag instead of mourning and writing stories and poems about it. Maybe this is what turned him cold-hearted, saying things like, “There are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls, but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. Of course, I expect this, but the knife still cuts.” And while, yeah, he had a lot of women, it doesn’t mean he didn’t respect each of them on some level. Plus, it was pretty evident that he was willing to open his arms to the fuglier set, which is more than can be said for most authors who think they’re god’s gift to women.

What separates Bukowski as a garden variety misogynist, if that’s one’s stance on him, is that he still knew the value of women. That to live without them is inane. The same cannot necessarily be said of someone like J.D. Salinger, who could have just as easily been content with a teen boy in a long-haired wig to type his manuscripts.

So to those “men” who call Bukowski’s work puerile or created for the faux literary types, well: go buy a strap-on at Narcisse to pretend you have a dick.

Men Who Use the “I Wasn’t Good Enough For Her” Excuse As An Out.

November 26, 2016 — Leave a comment

As Billy Bob Thornton becomes more public in the wake of Bad Santa 2 and his new TV show, Goliath, it’s only natural he would go on an occasional blitzkrieg of self-promotion, one of the latest instances finding him exploring the nature of his relationship demise with Angelina Jolie. According to him, “I never felt good enough for her.” Bull fucking shit.

He further added that it was her quote unquote do-gooding and commitment to causes that made him feel so inadequate. Na na, what made him feel inadequate was what makes all “men” feel inadequate: they’re fundamental pièces de merde. But it’s easier and more convenient to make an excuse that elevates her and demeans himself rather than copping to any sort of culpability. Then there’s the added insult to injury that he felt insecure around “rich and important people,” as though slumming it with lower level delinquents is far more reputable.

But excuses stemmed from calling oneself the problem are shrouded in the crafty “fade out” method, allowing the “man” to gradually bow out because he’s “inferior,” when really he’s just trying to move on to a woman that doesn’t have so much “energy.”

Men Who Say “I’m Sorry”–As Though It’s Going To Make Up For Thousands of Years of Wreckage and Disappointment.

November 23, 2016 — Leave a comment

There’s been much talk and delight of late over an “ad” in Williamsburg that says simply, “I’m sorry -Men”. It’s supposed to be very cute, very tongue in cheek and all that jazz, and, indeed, many a woman has been taken in by its charms. But the truth is, taking out a public ad to say “I’m sorry” on behalf of all “men” everywhere is just so very them–as if two words can negate all the wrong they’ve done these past few thousand years, starting with not thanking Eve for giving them their damn ribs. Shit, did anyone ever think that maybe if she was shown a little bit more gratitude she might not have bit that apple to get the fuck away from Adam?

But no, “men” want to hide behind the guise of “adorableness” to shirk the core issue at hand: they’ve caused too much wreckage both personally and globally to women to warrant forgiveness. If they truly wanted to make amends for being fuckers, they would offer financial restitution to everyone with a vagina (in the vein of Mariah’s inconvenience fee) and surrender all public offices to celebrities’ female personal assistants. Justin Bieber has asked us, “Is it too late now to say sorry?” and the answer is, of course, a resounding yes. It’s not too late to take down that slap in the face of an ad though.

Men Who Start Sentences With “My Dad…”

November 21, 2016 — Leave a comment

Though there is nothing worse than a “man” still deeply enmeshed with his parents past the age of eighteen–shit, even sixteen–it is sometimes equally as disturbing and disconcerting when a “man” feels inclined to start sentences with “My dad…” Usually, the type of “man” who does this is one with a rich father–which always means that he secretly wants to surpass him in success and stature.

And while the reason for his constantly feeling the need to say “My dad this” and “My dad that” latently stems from a place of hate rather than love, he won’t learn this until Papa Dearest finally kicks the bucket and he can at last be free to be his own “man” (albeit with the inheritance he didn’t work for), except by then it will be too late as he’ll be lodged in that seemingly ever-permanent state known as arrested development. So it goes he’ll probably still be opening every sentence with “My dad…” when trying to pick up a woman who would much prefer to give an orphan a chance.

Men: You Can’t Say It Without “Meh.”

November 20, 2016 — Leave a comment

There are seemingly infinite words that feature “men” in it: “achievement,” “mental,” “lamentation,” etc. But the word “men” itself has the most applicable sound and sentiment contained within it: “meh.” To be sure, there is no more fitting definition than “uninspiring; unexceptional” to express the feelings a “man” generally invokes.

At the outset of meeting one, a woman might believe he is beyond this unfortunate enunciation, but he rarely if ever is, eventually going on Tinder in front of you, putting his hair in braids or destroying the trajectory of your life. Though the word “women” has the same spelling as “men” at the end, it does not make the “meh” sound. Clearly, this is because women are more entertaining, more interesting and often simply better.

Men Who Wear Chastity Belts.

November 15, 2016 — Leave a comment

One supposes the worst aspect of the so-called equalization of the sexes is that it has turned “men” quite tame with regard to their ability and/or desire to pursue women. And unlike in the past, if a woman currently expresses a desire to receive some dick, she is not looked on as a rare opportunity so much as probably the type to be packing an STD. Thus, a metaphorical chastity belt has been placed upon many “men,” not wanting to deign to lasciviously chat up a woman lest it be deemed somehow an assault on feminism.

And so, now, a girl who wants nothing more than to rip her clothes off and get fucked simply can’t survive in this world of pervasive chastity belts without having to pretend to be sweet, cloying and disinterested to get what she wants. It rather goes back to (as it always does) Sex and the City, when Samantha has to ask multiple times, “Wanna fuck?” to the men in her yoga class before someone finally agrees. But Jesus, it really shouldn’t be this much of a challenge to incite a “man’s” desire to bone. Once upon a time, when women were meeker, it was what they were all about.

Men With Braids.

November 14, 2016 — 1 Comment

Unless, like, maybe you’re Native American, wearing braids as a “man” really isn’t acceptable. In fact, it might be even less acceptable than the fashioning of a bun or the usage of a headband. What drives a “man” to 1) grow out long hair when he isn’t Brad Pitt in the 90s and 2) braid it into skeevy, unkempt wads is beyond Missing A Dick, and yet, the trend runs rampant.

As if “men” haven’t taken enough from women, now they have to take their teen girl hairstyles, too. What the fuck? Moreover, no lady, no matter what she insists out of desperation thanks to the ratio, wants to run her hands through greasy, braided hair that only reminds her she’s the more masculine one of the duo. I mean, I guess if she plans to don a strap-on because of his missing puh-neese, the braids will be useful for pulling on from behind, but other than that, it’s really quite a turn off.

Men Who Showcase Photos of Themselves to Prove They’ve Voted.

November 8, 2016 — Leave a comment

Angela Chase once said, “Can’t people just cheer on their own? Like to themselves?” The same goes for people voting. One can perhaps trace this fervor for proudly showcasing that one voted to the early 90s, when it suddenly became chic post-Reagan to “stand for something” (the 90s were sort of like a less intense reinvention of the 60s in terms of causes).

In any case, between “I Voted” stickers and MTV’s Rock the Vote campaign, the need for “men” to proudly display that they checked a box (not, of course, your box) has only grown stronger over the years. And what are they so damned smug about? The fact that they’re doing something requisite of being an average citizen? Who knows? All one can say is that beaming with pride over being able to post a photo from the poll station probably means one is missing a pole of his own.

Men Unwilling to Perform the Grand Gesture.

November 6, 2016 — 1 Comment

Maybe women only have movies, love songs and My So-Called Life to blame for expecting that a “man” is actually capable of performing the grand gesture in real life. Whatever the case, there can be no denying that a large bulk of the female population still expects “men” to showcase some form of meaningful action to prove that he gives a damn about his wrongdoing.

And while, yes, “men” are constantly doing something wrong/something to offend, certain breaches are more egregious than others. For example, telling a woman he’s feelin’ it and then suddenly doing an about-face without warning or explanation. This is what Missing A Dick has patented as “the clam up.” Because, yes, “men” are big, gaping clams (this also alludes to their dicklessness). That’s why the only thing that could ever save them from this oceanic behavior was the grand gesture. Foolishly, it is pride and indecision (“men” are also big waffles–they waffle all the damn time–in addition to clams) that keeps them from doing what they know will procure forgiveness. By not prostrating themselves in one way, they come across as castrated, refusing to admit that the grand gesture would be all it takes to salvage some remnant of their foreskin.

Men Who Leave You Feeling Empty After Boning You.

November 3, 2016 — Leave a comment

If you’re one of the many women who can’t help but let “men” fuck you as a form of validation (we can’t all be as high and mighty as Carrie Bradshaw in the Season Two episode “They Shoot Single People, Don’t They?” when she walks away from that guy who almost takes her back to her apartment), then surely you’re aware of the feeling of being completely empty after quote unquote letting a “man” fill you.

And sure, after the first few times of doing it with the same person, you think, “Maybe it’s me.” But no, it’s not. It’s more than likely the “man” you’re trying to steadily fuck treating you one way in the boudoir and another after he’s cum. It’s all sweetness and metaphorical roses to get you into the bed–gone kaput once he’s extracted his pleasure from your willing body. While a deflated sense of self can be a constant for North Brooklyn residents, you don’t need to add to it with this trend in so-called casual boning. Because, as we all know, nothing is ever really casual to a woman, no matter what she says. Even if the “man” doesn’t have meaning, the event and associated sentiment does.