Men Unwilling to Perform the Grand Gesture.

Maybe women only have movies, love songs and My So-Called Life to blame for expecting that a “man” is actually capable of performing the grand gesture in real life. Whatever the case, there can be no denying that a large bulk of the female population still expects “men” to showcase some form of meaningful action to prove that he gives a damn about his wrongdoing.

And while, yes, “men” are constantly doing something wrong/something to offend, certain breaches are more egregious than others. For example, telling a woman he’s feelin’ it and then suddenly doing an about-face without warning or explanation. This is what Missing A Dick has patented as “the clam up.” Because, yes, “men” are big, gaping clams (this also alludes to their dicklessness). That’s why the only thing that could ever save them from this oceanic behavior was the grand gesture. Foolishly, it is pride and indecision (“men” are also big waffles–they waffle all the damn time–in addition to clams) that keeps them from doing what they know will procure forgiveness. By not prostrating themselves in one way, they come across as castrated, refusing to admit that the grand gesture would be all it takes to salvage some remnant of their foreskin.

Men Who Are Not Sentimental.

There are numerous occasions in the lifespan of a relationship with a “man” wherein the woman will be led to believe that certain events or pieces of pop culture will be held dear to the object of her affection in question. Alas, “men,” as we all know, are wired toward the sociopathic bent and couldn’t care less about anything that you yourself would deem being of sentimental value.

Lane Meyer: the only sentimental "man"

Lane Meyer: the only sentimental “man”

After a breakup, the woman tends to assume that the “man” she was with will be as heartbroken about encountering certain things that meant “a lot” to the relationship as she is. This, unfortunately, is rarely the case. The only “man” in the history of “men” ever unable to move on from the woman he was into is Lane Meyer (John Cusack) from Better Off Dead. And actually, even Lane moved on–to a French girl. In any case, if you were actually capable of finding a sentimental bloke, it’s unlikely that you would want to terminate the relationship in the first place. Unless of course he was overly sentimental–in which case he would be missing a dick in that regard as well.

Men Who Are Unable To Accurately Replicate 80s John Cusack.

Even though John Cusack was wearing striped shirts and boat shoes long before the Williamsburg set, he bore a personality and delicate neurosis that very few “men” in the borough (because Wburg is indeed its own borough) seem to possess. No one can adequately emulate his perfect blend of semi-frat boy and nebbish.

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic

What is more, he’s the type of “man” who seems, on the surface, to be dickless because of his soft-spokenness and self-effacing nature, but it is in fact this very quality that makes him so fuckable. He’s the sort of bloke who will play you the saxophone, drive you to far off places and be there for you no matter what. There aren’t many of that sort inhabiting the Bedford L nexus.