Men Immune To Lysistrata-Inspired Rebellion.

The phrase “power of the pussy” used to mean something, used to hold weight (and we’re not just talking the weight of all the cum unloaded into it on a regular basis). Maybe as far up to 2013, “men” still feared the threat of losing the chance for a semi-regular, bona fide boner release–a movement innovated by Greek honorary goddess Lysistrata. In the eponymous play by Aristophanes, the clever, yet simple plot to end the Peloponnesian War is this: don’t fuck any “men,” whether you’re in a relationship or not. Withhold the place where life begins, get life to start anew and for the better. In 2015, Spike Lee would also use this revamped plotline for his interpretation of how best to end violence in South Side Chicago, Chi-Raq.

White “men” in Williamsburg (and most of North Brooklyn), however, are fairly immune to the no pussy protest. They have their video games, their cush apartment setup and, occasionally, if things get really dire and they actually need to address the existence of their carnal nature, PornHub + their hand. The recent Women’s March was perhaps a more effective rebellion at this point in time than bothering with the blackmail of no sex. For you see, “men” have become so sexless–veritable characters in Barbarella wanting nothing more than the consumption of a pill rather than physical contact to get off–that for them, the power of the pussy at this moment is simply its ability to emanate an odor.

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Men Who Microdose.

At this point in time, the intake of any and every available drug for the purposes of numbing is rather understandable. What is not, however, is when “men” pussy (a derogatory term that should really be amended based on what we’ve seen highlighted at the Women’s March) out as they always do in the twenty-first century. Rather than go all or nothing, microdosing is the “functional” way to reap the benefits of drugs, usually and specifically LSD. Though, of course, weed is another favored object of microdosing–and even more absurd as its effects are best felt when on full blast.

One supposes the larger issue of dicklessness at hand with the concept is that it espouses a level of lily-liveredness that “men” of the twentieth century, particularly the brethren of the 1960s, did not showcase. It doesn’t seem likely that Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band would have come to be on a microdose of acid. The point being, if you’re going to fucking do a drug, don’t do it to “function.” At least do it for your fucking so-called art, which probably hasn’t evolved since you moved to Williamsburg circa 2005 and you felt it still had the edge required to challenge your creativity pre-rezoning law.

 

Men That Fetishize The Type of Waif Who Digs Ayn Rand & Nicole Kidman.

There aren’t that many varying degrees of waifs. Generally speaking, they all, of course, look like twigs, say very little to the contrary and occasionally indicate just how much their father fucked them up as a child. But a very specific kind melds the worst shrewish elements of Ayn Rand and Nicole Kidman into her persona, idolizing both women in different and unwitting ways.

For those unfamiliar with the philosophy of Rand, the gist is: pursue your own happiness, fuck everyone else. And don’t feel guilty about anything that might happen to the “looters” or “moochers” weighing you down from your own success. It’s called objectivism, and a lot of waifs dig it. It’s why they get so far ahead in life–the self-discipline of not eating. But in addition to an objectivist philosophy, the nightmare composite waif must also be glib, mirroring Kidman’s Trump-driven comment of late, “I’m always reticent to start commenting politically; I’ve never done it in terms of America or Australia. I’m issue-based. So I just say, he’s now elected, and we as a country need to support whoever is the president because that’s what the country’s based on.”

What’s the common denominator (the only good math metaphor in existence, by the way) between these two women? Extreme callousness, paleness and overarching insensitivity. The “man” that fetishizes a waif that likes to embody both is, therefore, hoping she’s some sort of bedroom Houdini–where else is she going to channel all that hidden warmth?–or a true “intellect” of his caliber (though this also entails that she’ll only speak when spoken to). Either that, or he secretly enjoys the masochistic feel of being coldly regarded. It’s the sort of self-hatred that comes from missing a dick.

Men Who Feign Caring About the Women’s March in Order to Mask Their Sociopathy and/or in the Hope of Grabbing Pussy.

Enough hours have passed since the start of January 21st’s historic protests throughout the nation, and one has seen the gamut of social media depictions of the Women’s March in both New York City and D.C. at this point. That being said, of all the many candids showcased, there are two instances of dick missing that can be easily parsed out. The first, of course, is the “men” in the crowd with leering and lascivious looks on their faces indicating either 1) they’ve been hired by some Trump juggernaut to kill the opposition or 2) they’re on the hunt for impassioned women whose passion they hope translates in bed.

The second type of “man” sans dique at the Women’s March is the one who isn’t really there, but instead simply posts found pictures from other people’s experience and passes it off as his own. Or worse, actually pops in to the Women’s March for a hot second to prove he cares, then dips out just as quickly as he came (this is also a nod to the likely fact that he’s a premature ejaculator). This is the sociopath-type “male,” the one who wants to appear empathetic enough on the surface to still secure some pussy in the future, even though the intelligent woman protesting can see through his veneer just as quickly as he saw with X-ray like vision through her clothes.

Men Who Use Inaug Day As An Excuse to Get Blottototototo.

Believe it or not, sobriety is now more than ever a necessity. The natural inclination on this most horrendously momentous of inauguration days is to turn on, tune in and drop out by any means necessary. And yet, how can one have the clarity of mind needed to mastermind the thwarting of power when he’s three to six sheets to the wind?

While women often function better on substances (birth control [RIP], marijuana, alcohol, etc.), “men” do not. These fuckers barely function sober, and should therefore not be using Trump’s ascension to a purchased throne as a reason to justify their acceptance of fuckery. Because, yes, while getting blotto is often the most affordable and accessible form of therapy, it is also the quickest admission of defeat. Now excuse me while I go to the bar.

Men Who Give You Facials (And We’re Not Talking Microdermabrasion).

One supposes every “man” has their fetish or “thing” in the bedroom, but, ultimately, rough trade or ass penetration seems relatively bearable in comparison to dealing with the “man” who gets off most effectively by splooging on your face. Not only insulting (though, yes, at least it’s supposed to be rejuvenating to the skin), it’s also extremely PTSD-inducing. Like you’re literally expecting a cannonball to shoot you in the face every time you wait for him to cum.

As with many “men,” it all plays into the psychology of how they view women. Generally speaking, the “man” who wants to spray a woman in the mug to both demean her and mark his territory probably hates his mother somewhere deep down. To be sure, most sexual fetishes trace back to something a “man’s” mother did in his youth. It’s all very foul–almost as foul as toweling off your face from the presence of a sack of semen. If we wanted a facial, we’d go to the fucking med spa.

Men Who Get Friday the 13th Tattoos.

It’s true, most “men” of the North Brooklyn variety are either jobless or living on daddy’s dime and must accordingly take advantage of specials on services they don’t really need whenever they can. Even so, the “man” who capitalizes on the Friday the 13th tattoo smacks of a particularly cheap and inky odor. It’s bad enough that they’re probably already the type to have color tattoos. Compounded with a lust for needle dragging that costs $30 from the sort of rinky dink shittaytay that would offer such a price point, the “man” sporting a Friday the 13th tattoo in color is to be neither feared nor revered.

While some shops have improved the menu of designs offered, it’s more or less always going to be a skull, the number 13, a devil’s head or some other unwanted depiction with blood on it. And a girl must ask herself: do I really want to let a “man” with a one-day only relevant tattoo to enter my body?

 

Men Who Enjoy Golden Showers.

Once again, Sex and the City proves it’s capable of remaining a constant source of timely and fresh material no matter how old it gets with the latest disgusting revelation about a certain not so handsome, not really a politico’s boudoir preferences (I’ma pull a Meryl and not even mention his name). After paying some Russian sex workers to pee on a bed that Michelle and Barack Obama had allegedly slept on (a psychologist’s field day, really) while they were on an official visit to the country back in 2013, the future “leader” of America may or may not have actually engaged in the portion of piss play that requires getting, well, sprayed.

Regardless of being a golden shower participant or voyeur, it’s clear that this sexual deviant is only going to turn the White House into tenfold the brothel it was under Clinton (though staunch Republicans will still never admit it, clinging as desperately as they can to the notion of Bill as a satanic lothario). With the sexual practice currently more popular than ever–at least to talk about–thanks to America’s impending führer, it calls into the spotlight the type of “man” who actually enjoys being urinated on. While, sure, “men” have every reason to hate themselves for the unreliable, erratic pieces of shit they are, there’s really nothing less sexy to a woman than a “man’s” self-deprecation, especially in bed. But that doesn’t mean she won’t capitalize on it for her financial benefit. Might as well get some money out of weirdos white dudes cultivating idiosyncrasies to make up for the fact they don’t have any problems.

Men Who Leave You Wondering, “Where’s the Beef?”

There’s not much “men” are really “good” for, other than giving an orgasm when it fits in with their own orgasm-having schedule. Still, you offer them a chance every time, hoping against hope that you’ll feel something–anything–inside your vag once they claim to have inserted their puh-neese. As Samantha Jones has covered everything that could go wrong in the bedroom, it harkens back to her imploring to her small-dicked boyfriend, “Put it in,” to which he sinisterly replied, “It is in.” How horrifying indeed.

Clara Peller may have been an aging woman put out to pasture by society when she shouted her signature catchphrase for Wendy’s, but she was absolutely right to demand, “Where’s the beef?” When it’s all a “man’s” got to give (’cause he’s certainly not going to provide you with things like loyalty, money or even mildly decent conversation), he should at least deliver on that so that a woman doesn’t have to try to cobble together a three to one orgy to believe there’s what John Bender from The Breakfast Club would call a hot beef injection inside of her.

Men Who Are Hobosexuals.

In the evermore expensive metropolis that is New York–regardless of the imminent L train shutdown “lowering” rents to what they actually should be–it’s inevitable that your path is going to cross a “man” who is a hobosexual at least once in your romantic tenure here. I just hope for your sake that it happens when you’re not still fresh off the boat, and therefore highly susceptible to whatever yarn they give you to make you believe that what they’re telling you (i.e. they give a shit about you) is real.

Because, trust me, it is not. He’s just trying to get into your apartment and pass it off as wanting to spend as much time with you as possible because he cares about you so much. He’ll even cook dinners and clean to “earn his keep,” except you won’t be fully aware that this is what he’s doing, as you get so accustomed to “being treated like a queen” when, in fact, you’re actually just providing someone with free housing.

After enough time, he’ll throw off the reins he’s implemented for himself and start doing even less around the apartment, relying solely on the fact that he fucks you sometimes to keep you off his “dick” (in both the metaphorical and literal senses, even though he doesn’t have one in either case). It is at this point that one or more of your roommates will stage an intervention and force you to toss him out and/or break up–even though you were never really in a relationship to begin with because hobosexuals are only attracted to easily preyed upon single women with a room to share–and you just happened to be one of them.