Men Who Leave You Wondering, “Where’s the Beef?”

There’s not much “men” are really “good” for, other than giving an orgasm when it fits in with their own orgasm-having schedule. Still, you offer them a chance every time, hoping against hope that you’ll feel something–anything–inside your vag once they claim to have inserted their puh-neese. As Samantha Jones has covered everything that could go wrong in the bedroom, it harkens back to her imploring to her small-dicked boyfriend, “Put it in,” to which he sinisterly replied, “It is in.” How horrifying indeed.

Clara Peller may have been an aging woman put out to pasture by society when she shouted her signature catchphrase for Wendy’s, but she was absolutely right to demand, “Where’s the beef?” When it’s all a “man’s” got to give (’cause he’s certainly not going to provide you with things like loyalty, money or even mildly decent conversation), he should at least deliver on that so that a woman doesn’t have to try to cobble together a three to one orgy to believe there’s what John Bender from The Breakfast Club would call a hot beef injection inside of her.

Men With An Unrealistic Interpretation of Their Penis Size.

Many men are capable of a requisite amount of delusion when it comes to penis size. Some like to say, “It’s not the size, it’s what it can do.” This is the first sign that they’re packing something that’s probably likenable to a stuffed olive (especially if they’re claiming to be Italian) in terms of girth.

I'm guessing not too highly if you're living in the country of Williamsburg

I’m guessing not too highly if you’re living in the country of Williamsburg

And by the way, a small penis cannot do all the things a larger penis can. Just ask Samantha from Sex and the City. Granted, if you’re a “nice guy” who knows how to treat a person with a vag (which you undeniably don’t because you’ve chosen to live in Williamsburg and therefore think you’re superior to everyone), then you may have a chance of eking by with a small peen…but don’t count on it.
Legitimate questions

Legitimate questions

It does give one a distinct sort of pleasure to know that while women usually get, to borrow a phrase from Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot, the fuzzy end of the lollipop in terms of improving our sense of self-worth through body modification, men with a tiny dick–a worse fate than utter dicklessness–are essentially powerless to change their fate. The world of penis enlargement isn’t half as advanced as breast enlargement, after all.