Men Who Sing On the Streets (Either With Headphones In Or Without).

Possibly the most distinguishing factor about New York isn’t the bagels, the pizza or the pervasive stench of trash. It’s that, for whatever reason, “men” feel extremely comfortable with singing in public–whether on the sidewalks, on the train or while they’re standing in line waiting for the food and drinks they can’t afford. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with a desire to express happiness or “be discovered” as it might have in the old days of New York when people still actually had talent to be unearthed, so much as the intense need to be noticed by someone–anyone. And that person, unfortunately, is going to be you.

Though you’ve lived in New York for longer than most people ought to while still not risking coming within in an inch of your irrevocable insanity, you still haven’t learned how to tune out the vexatious sound of “men” who sing along with whatever is on their headphones or, worst of all, rap along. Who knows what it is about this “concrete bunghole where dreams are made up” that leads “men” to feel so comfortable with putting their vocal inabilities on blast ad nauseum. All that can be said is that if their bedroom moans sound half as grating, you might want to invest in an array of earplugs for engaging with “men” both in outside and inside environs.

Men Who Need To Be Reminded That It’s You Who Gets to Rest Your Head on His Shoulder Not Vice Versa.

As the twenty-first century pushes what’s left of straights into evermore “non-heteronormative” territory (even they can’t indulge in their own heterosexual “normalness”) “men” continue to either forget or are completely unaware of certain gender roles that really oughtn’t be eradicated. And yet, apparently, they must be solely for the purpose of adhering to the lack of chicness of subscribing to “maleness” or femaleness fully at this juncture in time.

And one of the most prominent areas this flimsiness in “male” knowledgeability has thrived of late is in bedroom activities. Alternately known as: the lull that comes after banging. Now that people don’t smoke anymore (and thank god they don’t vape–yet–in lieu of it after sex), the only post-coital behavior truly left is the old “rest your head on his shoulder” slide. That is, unless he is so out of touch with his “masculinity” that he somehow thinks that it’s okay for him to place his shoulder on yours instead of the other way around. The type of “male” that generally engages in this scandalizing behavior is the sort who is still seeking to re-enter his mother’s womb–or at least to return to sucking from her tit. But it’s also trickling even to the ones who aren’t overly indulgent in their natural Oedipus complex. So now, in addition to the standard awkwardness that occurs after having sex with a “man,” it becomes intensified by the fact that you have to actually remind him who has the monopoly on the shoulder.

Men Who Very Literally Put the Disease That Is Their DNA In You.

Scientific studies are always unveiling unwanted truths you really could have done without–like when everyone in the 60s had to admit that cigarettes and red meat were killing them in the 50s. But the latest undesirable find is targeted specifically at women, mainly those who lead a non-monogamous existence. Because at least if a girl manages to finagle just one to two “loves” her entire life, she’s only absorbing a few strands of “male” DNA.

Those who bang multiple “men” on the reg, however, are probably doomed to become psychotic not only because of various DNA personalities, but also as a result of having too much “male” in their brains. Because, as if sex isn’t already sci-fi enough, now research (albeit by the shoddy Pacific Northwest entity that is University of Seattle) has shown that sperm attaches to your flesh, infuses your bloodstream and, basically, becomes one with your body–FOREVER (as Mark Wahlberg would say it in Fear). Also known as male microchimerism: it’s like all the most disturbing elements of an Almodóvar/Lynch joint. In any case, women ought to think twice about going home with that attractive but obvious serial killer type. Or anyone at all, really–because who wants “male” DNA of any kind within herself when it automatically entails being a schizoid?

Men Who Act Like They’re Treating You to Decadence When They Take You to $1 Oysters.

No one in New York has money. And if they do, they’re certainly not going to be caught out in public, least of all at a place that serves dollar oysters to attract in the petit bourgeois set. Alas, women of North Brooklyn have very little choice in the matter when they’re either 1) meeting a “man” from Tinder or 2) trying to parlay a one-night stand into a meaningful handful of dates that briefly delude her into thinking she’s not promiscuous.

In the feigned attempt to be romantic and come across as worldly/”not cheap,” many a “man” resorts to the dollar oyster happy hour so prevalent throughout Williamsburg. After all, what better way to trick a woman into believing she’s experiencing decadence, not to mention pump her full of aphrodisiacs to ensure that if she’s not drunk enough to fuck him this time around, at least she’ll be horny enough to. Then again, this might not be the case if she’s yakking over the toilette as a result of a bad batch and/or realizing that watching the “guy” eat an oyster is probably a preview of how he’ll eat her pussy.

Men Who Go Out For A Pack of Cigarettes & Never Come Back.

While “men” don’t really smoke anymore in quite the same way as they did in the 50s, the proverbial excuse about needing to go out for a pack of cigarettes still holds water in terms of the fathers who abandon their children in favor of a life of freedom, wielding paltry excuses such as this classic one as a means for their escape. Though “going out for a pack of cigarettes” might have evolved into “going out to vape,” the same level of flightiness in “men” who become fathers still exists.

For whatever reason, maybe some “men” feel nonchalant about being informed that they’re going to have a child at first, thinking that nothing will really be different as his significant other will probably handle it while he goes out and gallivants after work (in the current century, this means a startup where most of said work involves “team activities” that don’t make for quite the same residual grit left behind from the work day as it once did). But over time, and with enough of an earful of the sound of crying, the “man” who thought he could handle fatherhood decides he might want some more time to himself before being saddled with the burden of parenting. And no, though he might not use the same excuse that would have worked so well for, say, a Ricky Ricardo-type in the 50s, he can still escape just as easily with the insistence that he’ll “be right back.” Alas, you never know when the last time you might see a father’s back is. Because even commitment to their own blood is a challenge for “men” to stay focused on.

Men Who Get Away With Rape.

It’s bad enough when a “man” rapes. But, in many respects, what almost makes it worse is the fact that he knows, as our culture and society make evident time and time again, that he’s going to be able to get away with it. It’s liable to cause a bit of controversy, a slight amount of damage to his reputation at first, sure. But, at the end of the barrage of “overblown accusations,” he knows all too well that the woman will end up looking like the fool for even reporting anything to begin with.

In the endless game of “he said, she said,” evidence seems to be irrelevant, with the “man’s” word and often legal counsel (because, yes, rapists of the rich kind are especially “ballsy” in their sexual conduct when fully aware they can just hire a lawyer if the woman gets too “mouthy”) consistently triumphing in the end. And in his own self-applied delusions, the rapist in question genuinely believes he did no wrong. Then again, why would he be led to when the public at large is so nonchalant in inflicting any form of comeuppance–even something as minimal as shame (of which there doesn’t even appear to be any when it comes to enjoying golden showers)?












Men Who Make You Feel Gross With Their Touch.

For whatever reason, a lot of women succumb to the trap of settling. Generally, it’s as a result of hitting a certain wall, age-wise, and then realizing she ought to just take what she can get that’s semi-decent right quick. Otherwise, she might not get anything at all. And what could be worse than being alone–apart from being with someone you can’t stand? It’s rather neck and neck, one supposes. And, speaking of necks, there’s no more uncomfortable feel than that of a disgusting “man’s” lips on yours.

Yet, what else are you supposed to allow him to do since, you know, sex is clearly out of the question. You don’t want to fully discourage him from touching you because, as they say, just one touch from another human being–particularly that of a sexual nature—can improve and expand your life. Still, sometimes the texture of his scaly dry skin and/or lips is enough to make your entire body shudder on contact. That’s why, an endless and steady supply of champagne and wine ought to be funneled into your gullet, Amanda Woodward enduring Peter Burns-style. Then, suddenly, everything and anything feels glorious. Even loose “male” skin with a hint of crust.



Men Who Prompt You To Become A Lounge Singer To Release Your Melancholy.

As a youth, I always wanted to be a lounge singer in Las Vegas. I thought there was something so endlessly glamorous about it. Now that I know what I know about the women who tend to gravitate toward this profession, it rather makes a lot of sense that my child self would intuit the forthcoming tragedy of my life. Because, obviously, the lounge singers of this world–whether relegated to Las Vegas or not–are all plagued by the same epidemic: melancholy.

And where does this melancholy stem from? Why, being jilted and/or rejected by a “man” they presumed was to be their great love, naturally. After their heart has been put through the meat slicer, however, they quickly see that there is nothing “great” about love. It should be avoided like the plague, dodged like a bullet at a GOP baseball game. But if you learn this the hard way, there’s nothing for you to do to recover except become a lounge singer. It really is the sole means by which to cope with what’s happened to you, to mourn the part of yourself that’s summarily been extracted by the person who played you like a harpsichord. You know, that part that once possessed a plucky hopefulness, that might’ve had a twinkle in its eye if it could be personified. But like Sugar Kane in Some Like It Hot says, that aspect of yourself is “through with love.” It will never fall again. Unless it’s on a stage as a result of drunkenness while walking to the microphone.

Men of the Caucasian Persuasion That Get A Tattoo of or Pertaining to Africa.

Every white “man’s” rite of passage is, for some reason, taking a “spiritual journey” either to India or Africa. Maybe even both if he’s super rich enough a.k.a. living on daddy’s dime. For whatever reason, going to Africa in particular seems to bring out a part of himself that withdraws his inner “wokeness.” The zen he’s so desperately been searching for amid his own chaos, typically self-inflicted due to not having any real personal problems other than being a piece of shit.

And while it’s “fine” to appreciate the scenery, the culture and the overpriced safari you didn’t pay for yourself, it’s less than [insert Zulu word for kosher here] to come back to Brooklyn and decide to pay roughly $800-$1,000 for an Africa tattoo paying “respect” to the “African peoples” when the only thing you know “bout dat lyfe” is what you heard from Die Antwoord songs. So please, do not pollute our vision not only with your blinding skin, but with a blemish called your Africa tattoo as well. It’s not going to get you black women, but it might get you beat up by some. And probably even Creolean ones too.

Men Who Don’t Respect Your Rare On the Wagon Needs.

It’s not often that a woman of a high-functioning, mind-exiting caliber is liable to attempt going on the wagon, not in this town anyway. But when she does make the extra occasional effort to purge, as they of a religious or bulimic nature might say, it’s only cruel for a “man” to try to cajole her into staying off the wagon so that she might never realize just how unattractive and bad in bed he is.

While, yes, no one is half as much fun, entertaining or even more prone to embarrass themselves than you are when they’re sober, it doesn’t mean you ought to steer them off the path of momentary righteousness just so you can feel better about your own antics. And yes, “men” are chock full of antics when they’ve moved from mother’s bottle to the liquor bottle. Chief among them being impotence, verbal abuse and unwanted commentary about how physically appealing other girls are. So even though you might get a hair bored while waiting for the woman in your life to inevitably succumb to the taste of the only thing in this world that works as a truly effective numbing agent, it’s better to let her on the wagon needs run their course. Because, honestly, haven’t you already led her astray enough as it is in getting her to lower her standards in being with you?