As a youth, I always wanted to be a lounge singer in Las Vegas. I thought there was something so endlessly glamorous about it. Now that I know what I know about the women who tend to gravitate toward this profession, it rather makes a lot of sense that my child self would intuit the forthcoming tragedy of my life. Because, obviously, the lounge singers of this world–whether relegated to Las Vegas or not–are all plagued by the same epidemic: melancholy.

And where does this melancholy stem from? Why, being jilted and/or rejected by a “man” they presumed was to be their great love, naturally. After their heart has been put through the meat slicer, however, they quickly see that there is nothing “great” about love. It should be avoided like the plague, dodged like a bullet at a GOP baseball game. But if you learn this the hard way, there’s nothing for you to do to recover except become a lounge singer. It really is the sole means by which to cope with what’s happened to you, to mourn the part of yourself that’s summarily been extracted by the person who played you like a harpsichord. You know, that part that once possessed a plucky hopefulness, that might’ve had a twinkle in its eye if it could be personified. But like Sugar Kane in Some Like It Hot says, that aspect of yourself is “through with love.” It will never fall again. Unless it’s on a stage as a result of drunkenness while walking to the microphone.