Men Who Can’t Resurrect the Ghost of Their Dick.

Easter is a time when we all like to think about (well, when some of us like to think about), the magic of Jesus Christ’s resurrection after everyone he elevated to a higher level stabbed him in the back figuratively and then stabbed him in the front with some nails literally. While it only took Jesus three days to return from the dead, most “men’s” dicks will never come back after years of flaccidity and non-existence.

Just a ghost

Just a ghost

And sure, it’s blasphemous or what have you to measure normal “men” against the standards and abilities of Jesus, but isn’t Christianity about constantly striving to be more Christ-like? So honestly, if you want to give the women in your life an Easter present today during whatever bourgeois Easter egg hunt you’ve organized on the roof of your condo, try conjuring the spirit of your dick in honor of Jesus.

Men Who Can’t Do Anything For Themselves.

Part of the many pratfalls of the “millennial” generation is the pervasiveness of “men” unable to do much of anything beyond press buttons that are, alas, not in any way related to a woman’s pussy. Sure, he’s great at finding ways out of doing anything tangible (which is an art that should not be underrated), but when it comes down to accomplishing a truly difficult or meaningful task on “his own,” a woman is usually required.

What most "men" need in order to funtion

What most “men” need in order to function

Whether this stems from being handicapped by his mother as a child and constantly told he was great simply for being her son or perhaps because he grew up amid a large group of older, “nurturing” sisters is irrelevant. The point is, he has now reached a stage in life where he should be classified as a “man,” yet cannot even manage to adequately dress up a Cup O’ Noodles (technically called Cup Noodles). He is a giant, festering baby, who probably has, if any dick at all, one that could be classified as “Velveeta dick” (you know, featuring a head that’s caked on with a powdery texture) from a lack of even being able to properly clean it himself.


Men With Too Much Self-Love.

Maybe Narcissus is responsible for the origins of too much self-love in “men.” And maybe Hemingway and Picasso perfected the art. Whatever the case, the practice of vainglory has been allowed to triumph for far too long, primarily due to “men” being permitted to make gross amounts of money that have merely fortified their ego/ability to go through people–and usually via means of not even creating anything real (e.g. coding).

Too much love

Too much love

However, there is an even worse breed of “man:” the kind who does nothing but still seems to genuinely believe he is a gift to women–nay, the universe. Often, he lives on family money and tells people he’s an artist so that his existence is more socially acceptable. He feels his mere presence in your midst should be enough to explain his greatness, how much he deserves to be revered. Each night, he tries to cozy up with his non-existent dick, delusional enough to believe it is actually a behemoth when, in fact, it is not there. Still, he loves himself with the ferocity of a heroin addict for the feel of the needle. But even needles have more girth than the phantom dick of the Narcissuses of the world.

Men: Why Bother?

Looking for loyalty? Looking for someone who sucks you off in equal measure? Or how about just someone to make you feel like you’re not less than nothing? If you are, Missing A Dick does not recommend trying “men.” They will not only reel you in like a pussy-wielding fish, they will also throw you back in the water once they’ve gutted you and drained you of anything valuable.

How you will look after being cast aside

How you will look after being cast aside

Anything you think you can get from “men,” you can actually get from practically anywhere else. Orgasms? Babeland. “Stimulating” conversation? Read The S.C.U.M. Manifesto aloud to yourself. Someone to hold you at night? Revert to your goddamn teddy bear. There is nothing a “man” really has left to offer women anymore, which is why it’s rather strange that he chooses to toe the line so indelicately between annoying and useless. You would think those on the verge of total extinction would be a bit more concerned.

Men Who Enjoy Whiskey-Tinged Ice Cream Flights Instead Of Straight Up Alcohol on Saint Patrick’s Day.

It’s all well and good for a “man” to enjoy ice cream. It’s not like he has a dainty figure to watch (except he probably does if he’s living in Williamsburg, the Los Angeles of Brooklyn), so it’s understandable that he might want to get a bit overzealous with his enjoyment every now and again. However, to ignore the time-honored tradition of enjoying pure alcohol on Saint Patrick’s Day instead of diluting it with a whiskey-tinged ice cream flight is, quite simply, unacceptable.

OddFellows, where dickless "men" are made on Saint Patrick's Day

OddFellows, where dickless “men” are made on Saint Patrick’s Day

And yet, at OddFellows on N. 3rd and Kent, the bastardization of Saint Paddy’s Day continues to get worse (it’s kind of like Columbus Day for Irish people in a way) in that ice cream is supposed to substitute and/or supplement the necessity of getting completely and utterly blackout drunk. Even Van Leeuwen doesn’t have the dickless presence of mind to promote such a thing. So if you’re a “man” living in a condo near OddFellows, why don’t you just veer toward the Levee instead? All the sausage there might just make up for you’re lacking.

Men Who Go To Art Exhibits Inspired By Mary-Kate and Ashley.

With the Fuller House revival in full force (see that reiteration there?), the population at large is finding yet another reason to be reminded of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen–even though, of course, they’re not participating in the reboot. And, naturally, that population includes certain denizens of Williamsburg also responsible for bringing you the Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding “Museum.”

Art in the 21st century

Art in the 21st century

This time their pop culture obsession pertains to opening a museum that will showcase the specific kind of “active portraiture” that details the Olsen twins in various states of shielding themselves whilst trying to avoid the paparazzi snapping a photo of them. But somehow there’s also a Real Housewives theme at play in the museum–it’s all very confusing, and you can try to figure it out and/or buy into millennial whimsy by contributing to their Kickstarter, which I have no intention of linking to because people should support their own damn dickless projects. If I want to see an Olsen homage, I’ll fucking watch Very Mary-Kate. In any case, if and when the project probably comes to fruition, it’s safe to say any “man” who attends the exhibit is either sexually confused or trying to discreetly masturbate in front of the paintings.

Men Who Pretend to Care About International Women’s Day.

There are a lot of ways into a certain kind of woman’s heart. One of them is, now, apparently, pretending to care about International Women’s Day–which is almost as bad as flagrantly mocking the very concept of it. Although one might ask, “Why would a ‘man’ ‘pretend’ to care about something so important when he should just actually care about it?” Well, because he’s the type of “man” to use a cause to his advantage–like “men” who troll other people’s female family members on Thanksgiving.

The type of quote "men" use to lure vulnerable women on March 8th

The type of quote “men” use to lure vulnerable women on March 8th

He sees an opportunity to appeal to a woman’s psyche, which as any “man” should know, is the way into her pussy–they both start with “p,” it’s sort of mnemonic. He memorizes a few facts, paraphrases a few quotes and, blammo, International Women’s Day has magically transformed into International Men’s Day (which is every day, but technically reserved for November 19th) once he gets her to leave the bar. And then, of course, after he’s had his way with her, he’ll passive aggressively mention how no one ever posts thoughtful memes (is that an oxymoron?) about International Men’s Day and maybe gender equality would be a little more feasible if women weren’t trying to “be” “men.” And that’s when the woman who was conned will put on her “I Got Hot Sauce In My Bag” shirt, leave his condo and never tell any of her fellow “feminist” friends what she fell for: a “man” who cares about “women’s causes” that isn’t Kurt Cobain.