Looking for loyalty? Looking for someone who sucks you off in equal measure? Or how about just someone to make you feel like you’re not less than nothing? If you are, Missing A Dick does not recommend trying “men.” They will not only reel you in like a pussy-wielding fish, they will also throw you back in the water once they’ve gutted you and drained you of anything valuable.

How you will look after being cast aside

Anything you think you can get from “men,” you can actually get from practically anywhere else. Orgasms? Babeland. “Stimulating” conversation? Read The S.C.U.M. Manifesto aloud to yourself. Someone to hold you at night? Revert to your goddamn teddy bear. There is nothing a “man” really has left to offer women anymore, which is why it’s rather strange that he chooses to toe the line so indelicately between annoying and useless. You would think those on the verge of total extinction would be a bit more concerned.