Perhaps we’d all been so distracted by the chode-swinging of Elon Musk and Richard Branson of late to remember that Jeff Bezos, too, has long had “grand” plans for venturing into space. Ones he “achieved” by just barely “penetrating the surface” on July 20th. Apart from noticing on an entirely new level the grotesque discrepancy between the rich and the poor with this voyage, others were even quicker to point out that Bezos’ “rocket” looked a lot like, well, a big dick. 

This takes the trope of “men” who drive obscenely oversized trucks around in a hostile manner to a new stratosphere of overcompensation. For everyone knows any “guy” who drives such a vehicle is in desperate need of being reassured about his “man”hood. Or lack thereof. And sure, maybe Bezos has already paid good money at some point for a convincing penis enlargement, but in his heart of hearts (metaphorically speaking, of course, for everyone is aware billionaires can’t have that muscle), he knows what its real size is. And it still tears him up inside. Enough to say, with a straight face, to the person who engineered his “rocket,” “And you know what? Make it look as phallic as possible. And tell people it’s for the sake of the best possible ‘aerodynamics.’”

Sure, “aerodynamics.” “A perfect shape for the most volume.” Yeah, a real perfect shape indeed—or the most blatantly visual manifestation of the cock-swinging that’s been going on in this absurd billionaires’ space race that apparently can’t be stopped because said billionaires’ hearing does not register the decibels of poor people (a.k.a. anyone beneath their income tax bracket). They’re building their colony to defect to as soon as possible after cryogenically freezing themselves to avoid the uprising… and no one can tell them otherwise.

Yet, even for as “futuristic” as Bezos and his ilk are supposed to be, they still can’t seem to do away with the antiquated view of what proving one’s “masculinity” means. And that is, of course, parading their nonexistent big dicks in the form of spending power and now, evidently, through spaceships that have the literal shape of a big dick. Oh what a reductive world. Though, with billionaires populating new ones in our universe, it doesn’t look like there’s any hope of that reductiveness fading when Earth does.