Men Who Spit.

I guess I understand why “men” feel the need to piss on buildings whenever the fancy strikes them, being that it’s this marking one’s territory sort of thing. But why does spitting also need to come into play with regard to the less comely and decorous habits of “men”? It’s almost as though they need that extra form of territory marking to assure themselves that somewhere down there, he has a dick (side note: “Men” who “unintentionally” spit while talking are a separate breed, and are only slightly less odious).

A necessary sign

A necessary sign

Apart from how jarring, foul and hideous witnessing the primitive practice is, it’s also quite inconsiderate to those chic mothers walking down Bedford Avenue who happen to unwittingly step upon a fresh batch of sidewalk spit. How could a “man” do that to her presumably $300 designer shoe? Moreover, how could he possess such a lack of self-respect as to make himself look no better than a jungle animal. If one really must spit, do it on the hole where your dick should be, and maybe it will crust over enough to make it look like you have one.

Men Who Comment On the Hotness of Your Relatives or Friends When They’re Supposed to Be Into You.

Regardless of whether or not you’ve managed to lock down a “man,” this so-called security will not, in any way, prevent him from commenting on the hotness of others–least of all your friends and family members.

You know Jay-Z thought Solange was hot before she clocked him in the elevator

You know Jay-Z thought Solange was hot before she clocked him in the elevator

This is often why it’s best to pretend you don’t even have a family for awhile, or even forever. You should also turn into a loner if you possess any friends without unsightly facial moles. It keeps the romantic notions you have of your “man” alive, and prevents him from being in the dickless position of remarking how attractive your sister, cousin or, worst of all, mom is.

Men Who Force Women To Be Masculine.

In this bitch boy day and age, a lot of “men” have forced women to be more masculine than they care for. From their mumbling and waffling to their lack of a job and direction, it leaves a female no choice but to take on the dual role of “man” and woman.

What "men" have forced women to become

What “men” have forced women to become

This can often cause her to have a temper flare up when dealing with a “man’s” grunting, noncommittal communication steez. Especially if she’s trying urgently to find his dick, which can sometimes refer to having sex, but also his inability to show any signs of assertion.

Men Who Are Bromantic.

One of the many things that can draw a “man’s” attention away from a woman is his bromance, sometimes with one “man,” sometimes with multiples. And, let me tell you, the only thing gayer than being gay is being “straight” and being super into your best guy friend.

It's also gay

It’s also gay

Sure, it’s all well and good for a “man” to have his assorted friendships so that he’s not some sort of clingy annoyance sans a life of his own, but it’s also kind of a boner killer when he’s always going on about what John Plainface did to make him go all gooey-eyed. So, with this in mind, try to keep your male friendships on the Butch Cassidy and Harry Longabaugh (“the Sundance Kid”) side rather than in Evan and Seth from Superbad territory.

Men Who Ask “Why Do You Hate Men?” Just Because You Point Out Their Obvious Flaws.

“Men” have this mythology surrounding them that they’re not all that sensitive. And they’re not, except when it comes to themselves. So when Missing A Dick comes along to roil their delicate self-perception and ego, the ire can tend to flare up and, inevitably, the question, “Why do you hate ‘men’?” will be asked as a means to insult and infer that I am some kind of feminazi.

The question "men" ask re: Missing A Dick

The question “men” ask re: Missing A Dick

But I don’t hate “men”–they’re perfectly lovely if and when they can eat you out or give you an orgasm. Or write you poems and otherwise appeal to your vanity. But how often does this actually happen? Usually only when they first meet you and enjoy the novelty of your pussy. Once it becomes day old bread to them, all of their formerly enjoyable qualities disappear and suddenly you start to feel like Madonna after kissing Drake. This is when it becomes easy to point out their glaring shortcomings, now that they’ve revealed their true and constant self to you. And this isn’t to say that women aren’t chockfull of annoying qualities, especially when clustered together in groups. But at least we tend to look better while being a pain in your ass.

Men Who Buy Alcohol at N. 7th Starbucks.

In an ongoing attempt to cater to the worst stereotypes about the bourgeois nature of Williamsburg, the Starbucks on N. 7th between Bedford and Driggs will now put on something called “Starbucks Evenings,” during which they will offer wine, beer and “small plates” for sale, adding to the profit margins of their sordid empire.

Bacon-wrapped dates that look like chodes

Bacon-wrapped dates that look like chodes

Rather than the question being, “Who would actually buy their alcohol from Starbucks?”, the real question, unfortunately, is, “What douche bag ‘man’ about town would be able to resist the convenience and expensiveness of such an offer?” If the Brooklyn Brewery craft beers and Malbec/prosecco isn’t enough to tempt, then it’s certain no “man” can resist the truffle mac and cheese and bacon-wrapped dates being billed as part of the “small plate” crew. At this point, it seems bacon-wrapped dick would be an appropriate addition to the menu as well, because clearly any “man” partaking in “Starbucks Evenings” has given his up, and might as well donate it to suppressing hunger.

Men Who Don’t Understand the Problem With the No Strings Attached Trope.

It’s unclear as to when the concept of “no strings attached” arose in the relationship scene among “men” and women. It certainly wasn’t during cavemen times when the opposite sexes were beholden to one another on the basis of survival (“men” would hunt, women would figure out how to cook that shit), and therefore seemed to know better than to fuck with the delicate balance that is monogamy.

The movie (which the French call Sex Friends) that vehemently disproves the no strings attached trope

The movie (which the French call Sex Friends) that vehemently disproves the no strings attached trope

But maybe around the time of the “free lovin'” 60s, “men” got it into their minds that no strings attached sex was a genuine possibility. But let’s be very clear: there are always strings attached. By the very nature of the meeting of two yin and yang genitals, you are attaching yourself to a woman. And then, because of pheromones or whatever, she starts to feel emotional about it, fond of you, even (though logically she shouldn’t ’cause you’re probably an unkempt broke ass). No matter the brevity of the one-night stand you find yourself in, there is also the strings attached of contracting an STD, AIDS, etc. or the chance that she’ll come at you Nan Britton-style and tell you you’re the father of her child–and all in the name of no frills. But the dickful “man” should recognize that there are always, but always, frills.