starbucks williamsburg

Men Who Buy Alcohol at N. 7th Starbucks.

August 17, 2015 — Leave a comment

In an ongoing attempt to cater to the worst stereotypes about the bourgeois nature of Williamsburg, the Starbucks on N. 7th between Bedford and Driggs will now put on something called “Starbucks Evenings,” during which they will offer wine, beer and “small plates” for sale, adding to the profit margins of their sordid empire.

Bacon-wrapped dates that look like chodes

Bacon-wrapped dates that look like chodes

Rather than the question being, “Who would actually buy their alcohol from Starbucks?”, the real question, unfortunately, is, “What douche bag ‘man’ about town would be able to resist the convenience and expensiveness of such an offer?” If the Brooklyn Brewery craft beers and Malbec/prosecco isn’t enough to tempt, then it’s certain no “man” can resist the truffle mac and cheese and bacon-wrapped dates being billed as part of the “small plate” crew. At this point, it seems bacon-wrapped dick would be an appropriate addition to the menu as well, because clearly any “man” partaking in “Starbucks Evenings” has given his up, and might as well donate it to suppressing hunger.

Men Who Go To Williamsburg Starbucks Coffee Tastings.

November 21, 2014 — Leave a comment

In general, “men” who go to coffee tastings–or “cuppings”–are already sort of blowhards to begin with. But going to a tasting at a Williamsburg Starbucks really compounds the element of dicklessness. The latest Starbucks to creep into the area (there’s also one near Union Avenue) attempts, like Urban Outfitters before it, to appear as “Williamsburg” as possible with an open space and communal tables (more gag-worthy than trying to suck on a non-existent dick).

The first Starbucks in Wburg paved the way for this second, more douche baggy one

The first Starbucks in Wburg paved the way for this second, more douche baggy one

In “keeping with the spirit of the neighborhood,” the establishment has also bouged out with its plan to hold regular coffee tastings (what does that amount to, Pike Place and Blonde Roast ad nauseum?). The “men” who go to these tastings are inevitably sure to be missing a dick, as they’re more than likely looking to 1) troll or 2) show off their knowledge of coffee to other “men,” which is kind of gay. Fuck, it’s starting to make the Dunkin’ Donuts look more legit.

Men Who Deny Places Their Liquor Licenses.

October 23, 2014 — Leave a comment

Like Times Square, Williamsburg has fallen prey to the pressures and allure of giving in to the financial gain of a corporate/funhouse vibe. That’s why it seems a bit of a “dick” move (in the absence of having a dick, of course) to deny places like Urban Outfitters, Starbucks and Sing Sing their liquor licenses under the guise of trying to keep the neighborhood safe from mongos and drunkards.

How is this Starbucks in Williamsburg supposed to have any allure without bona fide Irish coffee?

How is this Starbucks in Williamsburg supposed to have any allure without bona fide Irish coffee?


Members of the community board (already a faint sign of dicklessness in and of itself) bandy about statements like, “I get the kumbaya moment, but why do you have to be blasted to do that? I go to Ikea and have a sandwich with meatballs, and I don’t need a drink. I have no idea where the alcohol fits in.” Spoken like a man without chutzpah/a dick. The denizens of Williamsburg are so afraid to embrace the fantasy land it has become because they fear its inevitable toppling if there’s too much in the way of Sodom and Gomorrah activity. But, dick or no dick, Williamsburg is destined for a fall–so why not let it be someplace like Urban Outfitters, amid overpriced clothes while drinking excessively?