Men Who Make You Realize You’ve Got to Be Beauty AND the Goddamn Beast.

For as much as feminists abhor that housewife relegation period of the twentieth century, there are times when they must secretly wish it was still even an option (along with the delusion that eating red meat and smoking cigarettes was perfectly healthy). Why? you might exhale as a gasp expressing scandal. Because it meant that women actually had a partner, someone they could look to to share responsibility with and not feel as though they had to shoulder every fucking thing themselves.

There was a clear distinction of delegated roles, sexist though they might have been. “Men” made the dough, women made the pie dough. Expectations that a “man” wouldn’t simply flit about like a deranged butterfly were natural. “Men” who didn’t offer their complete monogamous devotion (even if they were glazed over most of the time in doing so) could have their offenses held accountable for via the then rigid opinions of an Eisenhower through Johnson society. Since divorce became normalized circa the 70s, women have been freer than ever–difficult though it may be to believe under the current administration. But, so too, are men (not that they needed any further liberties for their dicklessness). And with their freedom, they have left women with the stark realization that, as Prince warned, “In this life, you’re on your own.” You’ve got to be Beauty and the goddamn Beast, while “men” get to be just Beauty: dainty, effete and skittish as fuck. Don’t bother lusting after flower symbolism in this epoch.

Men Who Force Women To Be Masculine.

In this bitch boy day and age, a lot of “men” have forced women to be more masculine than they care for. From their mumbling and waffling to their lack of a job and direction, it leaves a female no choice but to take on the dual role of “man” and woman.

What "men" have forced women to become

What “men” have forced women to become

This can often cause her to have a temper flare up when dealing with a “man’s” grunting, noncommittal communication steez. Especially if she’s trying urgently to find his dick, which can sometimes refer to having sex, but also his inability to show any signs of assertion.

Men Who Think You Need Them.

There are many “men” who still believe that a woman is reliant on them for money, clothes, jewelry, food and other trappings of the good life. This inaccurate perception seems somewhat comical when you consider that most Williamsburg “men” either work from home or have supplemental income from a trust fund.

Speak on it, Joan

Speak on it, Joan

Especially bad at emotional support, some “men” are even deranged enough to think that they’re capable of taking care of a woman when they can barely take care of themselves (see: wardrobe choices). But the truth is, women have always been self-sufficient. The eras of sitting at home and knitting/baking bread were nice while they lasted, but otherwise, if you haven’t got a dick to offer (which we’ve already established you don’t), you haven’t got much at all to con a woman into thinking she needs you.