Men Who Are Unable To Accurately Replicate 80s John Cusack.

Even though John Cusack was wearing striped shirts and boat shoes long before the Williamsburg set, he bore a personality and delicate neurosis that very few “men” in the borough (because Wburg is indeed its own borough) seem to possess. No one can adequately emulate his perfect blend of semi-frat boy and nebbish.

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic


What is more, he’s the type of “man” who seems, on the surface, to be dickless because of his soft-spokenness and self-effacing nature, but it is in fact this very quality that makes him so fuckable. He’s the sort of bloke who will play you the saxophone, drive you to far off places and be there for you no matter what. There aren’t many of that sort inhabiting the Bedford L nexus.

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Men Who Walk Their Bike Up the Williamsburg Bridge.

If you’ve ever left your condo to go for a bike ride, you may be aware that the Williamsburg Bridge possesses a slight incline. It is one especially difficult to overcome if you’re a particularly out of shape sort of “man.” You know, one of the Toady variety.

Toady from Super Mario Bros. is the sort of person you would catch walking his bike up the Wburg Bridge

Toady from Super Mario Bros. is the sort of person you would catch walking his bike up the Wburg Bridge


Being that growing a beard and graphic designing can be very arduous in and of itself, sometimes Williamsburg “men” don’t have the opportunity to fully form their musculature. This results in the embarrassing and dickless decision to walk one’s bike up the bridge. But the next time you feel you can’t take it, and you simply must get off your, what I assume is a hipster brand bike like Bianchi, think about the possibility that your future fuck/wife is going to pass you by and automatically be repulsed by you.

Men Who Don’t Wash Dishes.

There’s this strange myth about women being unwilling to get their hands dirty. But if this was the case, then why the fuck are they always the ones doing the dishes? If they’re so goddamn dainty, shouldn’t men be the ones to get this extremely arduous task done?

Pshaw

Pshaw


Considering that most of the amenity-rich apartments on the Williamsburg waterfront already come equipped with a dishwasher, it really shouldn’t be that much of a challenge for a “man” to slip the dishes right in. ‘Cause we all know he ain’t sticking his dick right in. So next time your piece of the moment comes over for dinner, why don’t you impress her by soaping up? Especially since it’s really obvious that you Mrs. Doubtfired that dinner by ordering it from somewhere else and pretending to pass it off as your own.

Men Who Irish Goodbye.

I understand the need to flee a scene the second things get too real/awkward/etc., however there is something decidedly sociopathic about men who Irish goodbye. It’s like they can’t be bothered to acknowledge anyone’s social needs but their own. The only decent excuse for leaving without an announcement–at least to the person you came with–is an urgent medical emergency (e.g. seizure or intense attack of diarrhea).

All you need to do is make this simple gesture.

All you need to do is make this simple gesture.


Williamsburg men are, of course, notorious for their lack of consideration for others, particularly women (it’s like they resent them for literally missing a dick as opposed to just metaphorically missing one). But if they could just see that demonstrating even the smallest and simplest modicum of courtesy, like saying goodbye through a gesture or grunt, they would be so much closer to having more than a gash where their dick should be.

Men Who Don’t Take Advantage of Being Able to Look Like Total Shit.

The emphasis on grooming and primping for men in Williamsburg and in general has long ago reached the point of parody. It makes no sense that any man would want to spend time or money on looking better when they could just as easily go around looking like shit and still get laid.

Charles Manson built his entire following, all while looking like shit

Charles Manson built his entire following, all while looking like shit


You see, it’s quite simple. Based on the ratio of women to men in this city–and on planet Earth–men have carte blanche in terms of their aesthetic. Women are basically just happy to encounter a straight man in the modern epoch. If you have a dick (which you probably don’t), a woman will be more interested in that fact than acknowledging that you’ve spend thousands of dollars on manscaping, designer clothes and a condo (the whole Patrick Bateman package). Just be your slovenly self. If I could, I would, but I’m missing a dick.

Men Who Are Pussy Teases.

Like women, men are perfectly capable of tantalizing with their genitalia. Though many people don’t talk about the fact that men tend to be pussy teases more than women tend to be cock teases in this era of ever-shifting gender identity, it’s very much a fact. It’s so difficult to get men to give it up these days without putting on airs of not actually wanting it.

Overall sentiments regarding pussy teases

Overall sentiments regarding pussy teases


The moral of the story is, if you’re going to tease the pussy, you best please the pussy. There’s nothing less attractive than a man who acts offput by a woman with a strong libido. The dainty Williamsburg man tends always to be horrified by a sexually appetitive person–it just proves too intimidating for them. Although, I will make the concession, that, if they’re doing it right, men have a lot more work cut out for them in the bedroom. But, at the same time, orgasms come (no pun intended) much more easily to them.

Men Who Buy Coffee From the Dunkin’ Donuts Off Bedford.

Everything you need to know about the evolution of Williamsburg is summarized in the existence of the Dunkin’ Donuts on North 7th and Bedford. It’s every shade of wrong, I don’t care how elegant and inviting the wood paneling and gold-tone logo looks to you. For you to give in to its temptations is an utterly dickless move.

Dunkin' Donuts, as only Williamsburg could imagine it

Dunkin’ Donuts, as only Williamsburg could imagine it


Whether you’re going there for a “coffee date” or just picking up a cup on the way to the subway before you go to your freelance job in the city or, more than likely, at the edge of the waterfront, there really isn’t any viable excuse for you to set foot into this establishment. You’d show more respect going into the Tasti D-Lite at the corner of North 6th. At least it’s been there longer than the span of Miley’s career.

Plump Men Who Automatically Look Like Zach Galifianakis.

What is it with Williamsburg breeding the most Galifianakis looking of men? Do they simply materialize out of nowhere? How are there so many? While it may be due to the high volume of drinking that gets done in this area (thus, the insta-pot belly), there has to be something more to it.

The aesthetic of most men in Williamsburg

The aesthetic of most men in Williamsburg


It’s not really known when this aesthetic became the norm in Williamsburg. It may or may not have been around the time Bored to Death first came out, but no one knows for certain. All that I can say is, it’s got to be stopped. It’s not like there aren’t a surfeit of in-building gyms in the many condo buildings peppered throughout the neighborhood. It’s time these dickless Galifianakises got to working out in order to lose some weight and gain some penis.

Men Who Date Women Who Look Like Their Sister.

So, incest is pretty weird and socially unacceptable. I guess that’s why the next best thing is dating someone who looks like your sister. It’s fairly easy to find a girl who looks like you in Williamsburg, since homogeneity is one of the qualities the neighborhood now prides itself on. However, why not try going the extra mile by finding someone who deviates from your particular aesthetic?

Angelina Jolie and her similarly strung out looking brother

Angelina Jolie and her similarly strung out looking brother


Often times when you’re trolling, you probably don’t even consciously realize that you’re seeking someone who looks like your sister. These thoughts are just far too unpleasant to consider. But next time you’re eyeing someone with the same exact coloring and bone structure, think about 1) how gross you are and 2) how vain you are. It will help you grow some of your nub back.