Men: Where Have They Gone?

In this modern world punctuated by an over-saturation of feminism, it feels as though the original “man”–that burly, sweaty beast who could pick you up and pay for your shit–has disappeared entirely. Because women have risen through the ranks to become more powerful and more hardworking (there are currently more women working than “men”), a “man’s” place in the world seems to have become nebulous to him. This could very well be the reason why he’s so prone to and comfortable with doing nothing and serving no one.

"Men" can't even be bothered to pick up the slack in the domesticity realm

“Men” can’t even be bothered to pick up the slack in the domesticity realm

The worst part is, “men” can’t even be bothered to at least relegate themselves to the former women’s role of taking over the domestic scene. As Mr. Mom has taught us time and time again, this simply allows for comedy, not something a “man” can actually handle. Which leads to the question: What is the modern “man” good for if he has no money, no conversational skills and, in short, no dick to offer? This is a question only they can answer, and one that they’ll have to come up with a solution to quickly if they don’t want to be deemed obsolete and we can at last exist in the utopia described in Herland.

Men Who Don’t Take Advantage of Being Able to Look Like Total Shit.

The emphasis on grooming and primping for men in Williamsburg and in general has long ago reached the point of parody. It makes no sense that any man would want to spend time or money on looking better when they could just as easily go around looking like shit and still get laid.

Charles Manson built his entire following, all while looking like shit

Charles Manson built his entire following, all while looking like shit

You see, it’s quite simple. Based on the ratio of women to men in this city–and on planet Earth–men have carte blanche in terms of their aesthetic. Women are basically just happy to encounter a straight man in the modern epoch. If you have a dick (which you probably don’t), a woman will be more interested in that fact than acknowledging that you’ve spend thousands of dollars on manscaping, designer clothes and a condo (the whole Patrick Bateman package). Just be your slovenly self. If I could, I would, but I’m missing a dick.

Men Who Dress Like Their Grandma.

Dressing like your grandma is real cute and all when you’re six (and a girl), but it’s time to stop by the time you’ve reached your twenties. Oversized lens frames and ugly sweaters just aren’t the way, and can only be fashionably worn by a grandma. Try as you might, you are not your grandma–though your missing dick may ultimately result in a vagina as saggy as hers.

Grandma chic.

Grandma chic.

So take off those horn-rimmed glasses, those ill-fiiting pants and that hideous sweatshirt. It’s time to dress yourself like the big “boy” you are.