Men Unwilling to Perform the Grand Gesture.

Maybe women only have movies, love songs and My So-Called Life to blame for expecting that a “man” is actually capable of performing the grand gesture in real life. Whatever the case, there can be no denying that a large bulk of the female population still expects “men” to showcase some form of meaningful action to prove that he gives a damn about his wrongdoing.

And while, yes, “men” are constantly doing something wrong/something to offend, certain breaches are more egregious than others. For example, telling a woman he’s feelin’ it and then suddenly doing an about-face without warning or explanation. This is what Missing A Dick has patented as “the clam up.” Because, yes, “men” are big, gaping clams (this also alludes to their dicklessness). That’s why the only thing that could ever save them from this oceanic behavior was the grand gesture. Foolishly, it is pride and indecision (“men” are also big waffles–they waffle all the damn time–in addition to clams) that keeps them from doing what they know will procure forgiveness. By not prostrating themselves in one way, they come across as castrated, refusing to admit that the grand gesture would be all it takes to salvage some remnant of their foreskin.

Men Who Are Unable To Accurately Replicate 80s John Cusack.

Even though John Cusack was wearing striped shirts and boat shoes long before the Williamsburg set, he bore a personality and delicate neurosis that very few “men” in the borough (because Wburg is indeed its own borough) seem to possess. No one can adequately emulate his perfect blend of semi-frat boy and nebbish.

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic

Pre-historic Williamsburg aesthetic

What is more, he’s the type of “man” who seems, on the surface, to be dickless because of his soft-spokenness and self-effacing nature, but it is in fact this very quality that makes him so fuckable. He’s the sort of bloke who will play you the saxophone, drive you to far off places and be there for you no matter what. There aren’t many of that sort inhabiting the Bedford L nexus.