Men Who Drunkenly Skateboard…As Tacos.

To say that the view Missing A Dick holds on skateboarding is tenfold in intensity compared to Cher Horowitz’ is the very definition of understatement. But that contempt rises in stature when factoring in another element: the “man” who dresses as a taco while skateboarding over the Williamsburg Bridge to promote $1 tacos for the inebriated music lovers who come to Baby’s All Right.

The “taco” in question was, naturally, drunk at the time of deciding to carry out this endeavor of mass promotion. But is drunkenness not merely an extension of what we would do in ordinary life? Yes. And this “man’s” desire to dress up as a metaphorical vagina only proves what we already knew about all Williamsburg “men”: they don’t have dicks. But get your $1 taco from one of them nonetheless. Women have nothing if not plenty of access to “tacos” in this town.

Men Who Use Williamsburg Bridge Radio to Create the Soundtrack for Their Williamsburg Bridge Experience.

Using music playlists created by anyone–least of all something as specifically mo-ish as Williamsburg Bridge Radio–is rather lazy, and shows a lack of ingenuity when it comes to having one’s own innovation and personal taste. How hard is it, really, to pull together an hour or so worth of music on one’s own? Not very. Maybe as hard as a Williamsburg denizen’s groin area.

Only a tasteless wanker needs Williamsburg Bridge Radio to tell him what to listen to

Only a tasteless wanker needs Williamsburg Bridge Radio to tell him what to listen to

And so, for a “man” to willfully download an app specifically intended for traversing the bridge “by train, bike or foot” is utterly dickless, to say the least. Does he really need someone else to tell him to listen to the likes of Mykki Blanco? As if he wouldn’t do that of his own accord knowing his lack of “indie underground” ingenuity. Furthermore, to support an app that only plays artists on a certain record label is just a hair discriminatory. From Decca to Sire, don’t hem yourself in.

Men Who Scrawl Marginal Graffiti on the Williamsburg Bridge.

When you’re scampering down the Williamsburg Bridge, embracing how free you are because you have no dick between your legs, you’re liable to succumb to the temptations of spraying a little graffiti somewhere (since you clearly can’t spray semen anywhere). This irksome form of “self-expression” has resulted in such shitty tags as “JIMJOE,” “I ‘Star of David’ New York (which would be better if it was written as “I ‘Star of David’ Jew York”) and “Nite Owl.”

Whether man or woman, "Nite Owl" doesn't have a dick

Whether man or woman, “Nite Owl” doesn’t have a dick

It’s difficult to be certain why “men” feel the need to mark their territory in such a base manner–though marking territory in general is always a base act. The only logical reason, really, is that it’s the closest they can get to experiencing the feeling of an all-out, unbridled, purging splooge. Because when you don’t have a dick, there are few other ways to re-create the singular act of ejaculation.

Men Who Walk Their Bike Up the Williamsburg Bridge.

If you’ve ever left your condo to go for a bike ride, you may be aware that the Williamsburg Bridge possesses a slight incline. It is one especially difficult to overcome if you’re a particularly out of shape sort of “man.” You know, one of the Toady variety.

Toady from Super Mario Bros. is the sort of person you would catch walking his bike up the Wburg Bridge

Toady from Super Mario Bros. is the sort of person you would catch walking his bike up the Wburg Bridge

Being that growing a beard and graphic designing can be very arduous in and of itself, sometimes Williamsburg “men” don’t have the opportunity to fully form their musculature. This results in the embarrassing and dickless decision to walk one’s bike up the bridge. But the next time you feel you can’t take it, and you simply must get off your, what I assume is a hipster brand bike like Bianchi, think about the possibility that your future fuck/wife is going to pass you by and automatically be repulsed by you.