Men Who Get Beard Transplants.

There are a lot of embarrassing issues a “man” must endure: being broke, being egregiously close to his parents and, of course, having a nonexistent dick. But among the latest embarrassments is the trend in “baby-faced men” being incapable of growing a beard and therefore getting a beard transplant to mask their lack of virility.

This outline for a transplant, incidentally, looks like half a dick

This outline for a transplant, incidentally, looks like half a dick

The motives in agreeing to spend money on concealing a lacking propensity toward the hirsute stems from one reason: a “man” wants to be perceived as an older, burly sort so that women are duped into thinking he’s worth a damn. A beard is a way to coast on this false perception. But truth be told, some of the biggest bitch boys of all-time have beards: Ben Affleck, Jake Gyllenhaal and Zack Galifianakis, for example. Getting a transplant isn’t going to change what you are: a hopeless dickless being. So why not spend your money on a prostitute who won’t care about your many inadequacies?

Plump Men Who Automatically Look Like Zach Galifianakis.

What is it with Williamsburg breeding the most Galifianakis looking of men? Do they simply materialize out of nowhere? How are there so many? While it may be due to the high volume of drinking that gets done in this area (thus, the insta-pot belly), there has to be something more to it.

The aesthetic of most men in Williamsburg

The aesthetic of most men in Williamsburg


It’s not really known when this aesthetic became the norm in Williamsburg. It may or may not have been around the time Bored to Death first came out, but no one knows for certain. All that I can say is, it’s got to be stopped. It’s not like there aren’t a surfeit of in-building gyms in the many condo buildings peppered throughout the neighborhood. It’s time these dickless Galifianakises got to working out in order to lose some weight and gain some penis.