“Man”spreading has taken on a whole new meaning of late as a fresh study (that really didn’t even need to be conducted in order to be deduced because it’s honestly just so predictable) has confirmed that “men” “more frequently spread the coronavirus particles than women or children.” Surely, one doesn’t need all the gory details regarding “how” broken down for them, but, suffice it to say, their carelessness and lack of concern for others in general affects other specific bodily and hygiene practices on their part. And yet, even this natural assumption doesn’t quite sum up the precise reason behind their knack for spreading disease all over town (and now, not just through their pencil dick).

The study in question, originally conducted to determine what could be done to take better preventive measures for the safe return of audiences into the theater and performing arts spaces, was called: “Reducing Bioaerosol Emissions and Exposures in the Performing Arts: A Scientific Roadmap for a Safe Return from COVID-19.” Little did the researchers know, they would be unearthing yet further proof that the presence of “men” on this Earth is a scourge.

As such, the study concluded that “males,” with all their dick-swinging tendencies, are naturally determined to emit higher amounts of respiratory particles into the air every time they open their mouth to yammer on about nothing or, worse still, “man”splain. It’s even worse when they sing (thank baby J the pop space seems to be more dominated by women now). So yeah, you just stay the fuck away from Ed Sheeran. 

Part of the reason behind why “males produced 34% more aerosols than females” seems largely avoidable. Because, let’s face it, “men” are always too loud, too “robust” (don’t bother with that yarn about men’s lung capacity being more voluminous as an excuse)–constantly clamoring to be heard as women are speaking softly and gently so as never to offend the delicate “male” ego. No wonder a bia isn’t spraying her aerosols all around in the same way as a “man”: it was already indoctrinated within her long ago not to wield her voice for anything other than whispering sweet nothings and assurances into the “male” ear. Lifting him up with her docile, “just here in the background to support you” ways. 

As known gas bags, “men” are also prone to exhaling more carbon dioxide in the breathing process, another cause of being a higher risk for transmitting disease. Because, as it’s already been made clear, “men” are nothing more than walking contagions trying to infect everyone else with their ideologies and “essences.” For your own safety, steer clear.