Men and Their Spreading.

“Man”spreading has taken on a whole new meaning of late as a fresh study (that really didn’t even need to be conducted in order to be deduced because it’s honestly just so predictable) has confirmed that “men” “more frequently spread the coronavirus particles than women or children.” Surely, one doesn’t need all the gory details regarding “how” broken down for them, but, suffice it to say, their carelessness and lack of concern for others in general affects other specific bodily and hygiene practices on their part. And yet, even this natural assumption doesn’t quite sum up the precise reason behind their knack for spreading disease all over town (and now, not just through their pencil dick).

The study in question, originally conducted to determine what could be done to take better preventive measures for the safe return of audiences into the theater and performing arts spaces, was called: “Reducing Bioaerosol Emissions and Exposures in the Performing Arts: A Scientific Roadmap for a Safe Return from COVID-19.” Little did the researchers know, they would be unearthing yet further proof that the presence of “men” on this Earth is a scourge.

As such, the study concluded that “males,” with all their dick-swinging tendencies, are naturally determined to emit higher amounts of respiratory particles into the air every time they open their mouth to yammer on about nothing or, worse still, “man”splain. It’s even worse when they sing (thank baby J the pop space seems to be more dominated by women now). So yeah, you just stay the fuck away from Ed Sheeran. 

Part of the reason behind why “males produced 34% more aerosols than females” seems largely avoidable. Because, let’s face it, “men” are always too loud, too “robust” (don’t bother with that yarn about men’s lung capacity being more voluminous as an excuse)–constantly clamoring to be heard as women are speaking softly and gently so as never to offend the delicate “male” ego. No wonder a bia isn’t spraying her aerosols all around in the same way as a “man”: it was already indoctrinated within her long ago not to wield her voice for anything other than whispering sweet nothings and assurances into the “male” ear. Lifting him up with her docile, “just here in the background to support you” ways. 

As known gas bags, “men” are also prone to exhaling more carbon dioxide in the breathing process, another cause of being a higher risk for transmitting disease. Because, as it’s already been made clear, “men” are nothing more than walking contagions trying to infect everyone else with their ideologies and “essences.” For your own safety, steer clear.

Men Who Take Vaxxies.

While “men” who take ordinary selfies to begin with are already endlessly irksome (not just for their vanity, but for being classed among a certain type of dickless “male”), that irritation is compounded tenfold by those who would take a vaxxie.

And yet, it is also completely expected that “men” would be the gender to most happily perpetrate this crime against humanity when taking into account it’s very difficult for them to find a sense of pride in much of anything these days.

Considering it’s one of the few “gender neutral” things to do in 2021 (that is to say, no one can politicize the act based on gender), it’s no wonder “men” have been just as eager as women to delight in curating the image of their arm being “penetrated”—the nature of such a photo being undeniably suggestive and innuendo-laden when coming from a “man.” For, whereas Cher Horowitz said, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex,” “men” now instead declare, “Sometimes you have to show a phallic symbol piercing into your skin. This reminds women of being penetrated, and then they think of sex.” 

There are, of course, a number of “men” who would only seek to post a vaxxie so as to assure his female followers that he’s “ready to mingle.” A.k.a.: “Yo girl, get that waxed pussy out now that we’re both vaxxed.” As if they weren’t both flitting around even before the vaccine became available… so why bother pretending they’re both being “responsible” now? More inane still, the fact that one’s face is covered anyway for the proverbial “shot.” A “man” could just as easily post a pic of someone else with a similar build and sartorial style getting it and still pass it off as his own. It ain’t that fuckin’ special.

The “gimmick vaxxie” is also part of the more “male”-oriented version of the practice, during which the “man” in question somehow finds a way to promote himself, his “job” or some product he’s shilling as part of his “job” by tying it non-cohesively back to getting his shot. But hey, whatever works for a “man” to make himself part of a national conversation that won’t ultimately seek to berate him for his very existence.