Men Who Go Out For A Pack of Cigarettes & Never Come Back.

While “men” don’t really smoke anymore in quite the same way as they did in the 50s, the proverbial excuse about needing to go out for a pack of cigarettes still holds water in terms of the fathers who abandon their children in favor of a life of freedom, wielding paltry excuses such as this classic one as a means for their escape. Though “going out for a pack of cigarettes” might have evolved into “going out to vape,” the same level of flightiness in “men” who become fathers still exists.

For whatever reason, maybe some “men” feel nonchalant about being informed that they’re going to have a child at first, thinking that nothing will really be different as his significant other will probably handle it while he goes out and gallivants after work (in the current century, this means a startup where most of said work involves “team activities” that don’t make for quite the same residual grit left behind from the work day as it once did). But over time, and with enough of an earful of the sound of crying, the “man” who thought he could handle fatherhood decides he might want some more time to himself before being saddled with the burden of parenting. And no, though he might not use the same excuse that would have worked so well for, say, a Ricky Ricardo-type in the 50s, he can still escape just as easily with the insistence that he’ll “be right back.” Alas, you never know when the last time you might see a father’s back is. Because even commitment to their own blood is a challenge for “men” to stay focused on.

Men Who Are Hipster Dads.

In the modern world, falling into the category of “hipster dad” is relatively easy–and dangerous. Being “into” trends and dressing like you’ve never advanced past the age of twenty-five are all key telltale signs to determining whether or not you’re bringing shame to the original dad moniker.

Not qualified to be a dad

Not qualified to be a dad

Apart from the fact that the spawn of hipster dads are generally treated more like accessories than entities to impart any sort of wisdom upon, it is a disgrace to forefathers of dadhood who previously instilled the fear of god in children with their disciplinarian ways. “Discipline daddies,” to borrow a term from Arrested Development, would never feed their children crème fraîche or send them to a charter school before the age of five or pay for a charter school of any kind. In the glory dads of fatherhood, a child was content to accept what was given and not demand clothing from somewhere like Sweet William Ltd. Because of these dads, the world is soon to be faced with an extremely lily-livered and incapable population. So this Father’s Day, think about what your own self-satisfaction in being a hipster dad is doing to the future of humanity.

Love,

Missing A Dick