Men Who Go Out For A Pack of Cigarettes & Never Come Back.

While “men” don’t really smoke anymore in quite the same way as they did in the 50s, the proverbial excuse about needing to go out for a pack of cigarettes still holds water in terms of the fathers who abandon their children in favor of a life of freedom, wielding paltry excuses such as this classic one as a means for their escape. Though “going out for a pack of cigarettes” might have evolved into “going out to vape,” the same level of flightiness in “men” who become fathers still exists.

For whatever reason, maybe some “men” feel nonchalant about being informed that they’re going to have a child at first, thinking that nothing will really be different as his significant other will probably handle it while he goes out and gallivants after work (in the current century, this means a startup where most of said work involves “team activities” that don’t make for quite the same residual grit left behind from the work day as it once did). But over time, and with enough of an earful of the sound of crying, the “man” who thought he could handle fatherhood decides he might want some more time to himself before being saddled with the burden of parenting. And no, though he might not use the same excuse that would have worked so well for, say, a Ricky Ricardo-type in the 50s, he can still escape just as easily with the insistence that he’ll “be right back.” Alas, you never know when the last time you might see a father’s back is. Because even commitment to their own blood is a challenge for “men” to stay focused on.

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Men Who Only Get Father’s Day Gifts For Their Dad To Prove They’ve Surpassed Them.

Like most manufactured holidays (Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, Secretaries Day–or, rather, “Administrative Professionals” Day–, etc.), the pressure to get the perfect gift for Father’s Day consistently leaves one feeling bereft, inadequate and generally stressed. Especially when one is a “man” simply trying to prove to his father that he has surpassed him in life in every possible way: romantic choice, financial success and place of inhabitance.

The relationship between father and son is often more complicated–and even creepier–than the one between father and daughter, as the unspoken competition to transcend the lifestyle set forth by the patriarch becomes intensified as his son enters adulthood–or rather, reluctantly gets shoved into it with his heels dug in and his mouth emitting silent shrieks pleading to remain a child. But once he admits that he’s there, the tendency to pit himself against daddy-o as the rival that can’t be matched often becomes a constant factor. Just look at The Royal Tenenbaums, There Will Be Blood and Big Fish. And if a son isn’t trying to outshine his father, then he’s trying his hardest to be the palest possible shadow in order to avoid the arduousness of competition altogether. In which case he’s also missing as much of a dick as the overzealous, overachieving son. It’s a Goldie Locks sort of a balance that sons must strike when it comes to acquiring that ideal present. One that says, “I love you, Dad, and, no, I’m not trying to kill you.”

Men Who Are Hipster Dads.

In the modern world, falling into the category of “hipster dad” is relatively easy–and dangerous. Being “into” trends and dressing like you’ve never advanced past the age of twenty-five are all key telltale signs to determining whether or not you’re bringing shame to the original dad moniker.

Not qualified to be a dad

Not qualified to be a dad

Apart from the fact that the spawn of hipster dads are generally treated more like accessories than entities to impart any sort of wisdom upon, it is a disgrace to forefathers of dadhood who previously instilled the fear of god in children with their disciplinarian ways. “Discipline daddies,” to borrow a term from Arrested Development, would never feed their children crème fraîche or send them to a charter school before the age of five or pay for a charter school of any kind. In the glory dads of fatherhood, a child was content to accept what was given and not demand clothing from somewhere like Sweet William Ltd. Because of these dads, the world is soon to be faced with an extremely lily-livered and incapable population. So this Father’s Day, think about what your own self-satisfaction in being a hipster dad is doing to the future of humanity.

Love,

Missing A Dick