Believe it or not, sobriety is now more than ever a necessity. The natural inclination on this most horrendously momentous of inauguration days is to turn on, tune in and drop out by any means necessary. And yet, how can one have the clarity of mind needed to mastermind the thwarting of power when he’s three to six sheets to the wind?

While women often function better on substances (birth control [RIP], marijuana, alcohol, etc.), “men” do not. These fuckers barely function sober, and should therefore not be using Trump’s ascension to a purchased throne as a reason to justify their acceptance of fuckery. Because, yes, while getting blotto is often the most affordable and accessible form of therapy, it is also the quickest admission of defeat. Now excuse me while I go to the bar.