Men Who Are Not Faithless (Electors).

There’s little need for “men.” It becomes more apparent as time wears on, though it’s always sort of been there, tacitly waiting to jump to the surface and threaten their existence. And yet, today is a day it must be admitted that women need them–at least the stodgy old fucks in the electoral college that might still give the U.S. a chance to not go full-on Nazi.

Yes, it is up to those “men” who are faithless electors to salvage any hope–especially and specifically female hope for what the future holds post-2016. Historically speaking, it is possible (though extremely rare) for faithless electors to make a difference, as they did in 1836, when a group of twenty-three Virginia electors abstained from voting for their appointed Democratic vice presidential candidate, Richard M. Johnson (it was because he had a slave mistress–like everyone else of the hypocritical time).

In truth, what we really need on our hands are a slew of Roger MacBrides, the first man who ever cast his vote for a woman (Tonie Nathan, for the vice presidential role) in lieu of sticking with his Republican candidates, Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.

Considering the extremely disturbing and indisputable information the electoral college has about Russia and its involvement in hacking the election to favor Trump, if these faithless electors don’t come through (and they probably won’t), well, it’s only going to solidify the already pervasive faithlessness in “men” women rightly have.

Men Who Showcase Photos of Themselves to Prove They’ve Voted.

Angela Chase once said, “Can’t people just cheer on their own? Like to themselves?” The same goes for people voting. One can perhaps trace this fervor for proudly showcasing that one voted to the early 90s, when it suddenly became chic post-Reagan to “stand for something” (the 90s were sort of like a less intense reinvention of the 60s in terms of causes).

In any case, between “I Voted” stickers and MTV’s Rock the Vote campaign, the need for “men” to proudly display that they checked a box (not, of course, your box) has only grown stronger over the years. And what are they so damned smug about? The fact that they’re doing something requisite of being an average citizen? Who knows? All one can say is that beaming with pride over being able to post a photo from the poll station probably means one is missing a pole of his own.

Men Who Go to Hillary Clinton Fundraisers at Brooklyn Bowl–Or Throw Them There.

Bill Clinton was once viewed as a generally bad mama jama. From being photographed with fast food workers to playing the saxophone on Arsenio Hall, the former Arkansas governor was often able to easily prove he was a man of the people in nearly the same sort of effortless way as Bernie Sanders currently is. Now, with his wife trying yet again to rally her resources in order to secure the presidency in 2016, it seems as though Bill is showing his true colors once more (like that time he lied about Monica Lewinsky and his fetish for berets).

Billy ain't no stranger to Brooklyn Bowl

Billy ain’t no stranger to Brooklyn Bowl

To make sure everyone is aware of just how relatable his wife is to the “millennial” set, Bill is putting on a fundraiser at Brooklyn Bowl, a place he must assume is the pinnacle of the two qualities he’s his wife is looking for in a voter: youth and affluence. Though on the youth end, he might be disappointed, as one expects mostly 40 and up “men” to show up to the overpriced monstrosity ($250) in order to pay respect to a “man” they look to as something of a god for getting away with his level of cheating. But really, why bother attending if Monica isn’t there to re-enact a blow job while Hillary watches?

Men Who Make Hillary Clinton Action Figure Dolls.

I get that feminism is like super chic for “men” to embrace right now, but the whole “Oh let me be a champion of Hillary Clinton to prove I don’t think women are bull shit when really that’s exactly what I think” philosophy is getting really old. Older than the cum stain on Monica Lewinsky’s infamous dress, in fact.

This is essentially the type of denigration being performed on Hillary in turning her into an action figure

This is essentially the type of denigration being performed on Hillary in turning her into an action figure

That’s why it’s quite infuriating that a Williamsburg “man” has decided to join forces with his girlfriend/female business partner (a hot trend in Wburg enterprises right now) to mass produce a Hillary Clinton action figure. While, from his perspective, he probably sees it as an homage or a sign of reverence–a misguided notion undoubtedly perpetuated by his naive girlfriend–there is nothing deferential about it. It’s actually quite obvious he’s trying to belittle her (literally) by making this product. You know what other kind of women are action figures? The kinds who use their body as bait. Is this something any true “man” could possibly feel Hillary would be on board with? Certainly not. I just hope she at least gets a pair of castration scissors as an accessory.