Men Who Are Too Good for Checkers.

There are few things in this world that can save an alcoholic from a hangover. One of those things is Checkers, a rare and precious find in New York City. More than just a “fast food” chain, Checkers offers the kind of food item solace that no other establishment can, least of all mothafukkin McDonald’s.

A "man" who should be experiencing more than mild joy over the consumption of Checkers

A “man” who should be experiencing more than mild joy over the consumption of Checkers

It isn’t just that its later founding in 1999 makes it better understand the plight of the modern drunk (why else would they have invented the Baconzilla Fries?), it’s that their employees are the most non-judgmental ilk you will ever come across. They’ve seen it all, and nothing fazes them anymore. There’s even a Facebook page called I Love Julissa at Checkers off the Marcy Stop (granted, that I created) that proves how magical Checkers is as a place to curb drunkenness without the the injudicious opinions of another intervening in your meal.

The chicken sandwich is best for the not too far gone drunk

The chicken sandwich is best for the not too far gone drunk

And so for a woman to have to beg a “man” to come into the Checkers right by the train to cap off an evening of revelry and embarrassing instances is indicative of a larger issue: 1) his appetite is lesser than yours and that will never do 2) he thinks he’s too good for Checkers, in which case, he’s missing a dick. Do not let your blotto state be affected by the poor decisions of this “man;” he is the one who will suffer the next morning as a result of not coating his stomach with fully loaded fries.

Men Who Wait For Hours on Sunday to Eat at Pies ‘n’ Thighs.

Being that Williamsburg is one of the primary douche bag hubs of New York City, it’s no shock that the “men” who flock there are willing to flaunt their dicklessness by waiting as long as two hours in order to sit in a cramped, grease-scented space and stuff their faces with a fried chicken box.

Is this beige grab bag really worth the wait?

Is this beige grab bag really worth the wait?


It’s hard to say why “men” are so willing to relinquish their dick by waiting to eat at Pies ‘n’ Thighs. Is it to impress their one-night stand from the previous evening or is it to soak up the residual alcohol still in their system? One can never be certain. But all I know is, there’s a Checkers nearby that gives you way more bang for your buck and has the greasy food scene on lockdown. And that’s how you impress a lady.