Men: So 2016.

The fixation on and preoccupation with “getting” a “man” to pay one the time of day she’s due is decidedly a 2016 phenomenon. Like everything else bad and ultimately fruitless from the year that took some of the only good “men” left in the world (granted, they were all of dubious sexuality), lusting or yearning after that false concept, “true love,” is a waste of a woman’s time. She’s better off focusing her energies on looking her best for her vibrator and making money to make herself look perpetually 28.

Pan or asexuality is the way in 2017. There is no in-between in America, after all–as you should well know from being unable to discuss politics with your parents. Or anyone outside of a naturally liberal major metropolis. Yes, to be sure, extremism applies more to sexuality now than it does or will to politics in the coming year.

Men Who DJ On New Year’s Eve.

Just as the “man” who trolls for drunk women on Halloween or tries to have sex with vulnerable relatives on Thanksgiving, so too, does the “man” who DJs on New Year’s Eve have an ulterior motive. Rather than it being about his “art,” DJing on New Year’s Eve signifies a strong desire to have sex with multiple bitches in one evening.

Average flier for a "man" DJing on New Year's Eve

Average flier for a “man” DJing on New Year’s Eve


“Men” who DJ in Williamsburg at places like, say, Output or Verboten, are of a particularly strong strain of dicklessness as it is quite obvious they are unable to get as easily laid with their playlist on any other night of the year due to the fact that women are at least somewhat sober enough during non-holiday events to gauge that what they’re playing is shit. But alas, how else is a Williamsburg DJ supposed to have a happy new year if he doesn’t “work” on December 31st?