The advent of both the Whole Foods and the Apple Store on Bedford has been a long time coming. And though we all knew each would come about eventually, no one could have predicted that these behemoths of corporate grotesquerie would essentially open the same week, with Apple to follow Whole Foods’ suit by opening on Saturday, July 30, just in time to really heighten the hell feel of North Brooklyn.
But worse than the fact that each exists right across the street from one another is the idea that “men” are willing to go into both back to back to tend to their food and technological “needs.” To preserve at least a modicum of dickfulness, a “man” should attempt to rein in his lack of genitalia by opting for just one of said stores in an outing, as going into one after the other indicates not only a pod person mentality, but that there is a Ken flap of skin where the puh-neese should be.
Working at the Apple Store in any part of New York City already seriously calls into question one’s manhood, but to do it on Bedford Avenue is to willingly cede all traces of your dick. The strategic location of the store not only embeds the coffin of old Williamsburg deeper into the ground, but also infers you’re willing to subject yourself to retarded milfs who are never going to let you sleep with them.
A mock-up of the future Apple Store at 247 Bedford Avenue
Not only will you see stroller upon stroller attached to various Williamsburg women who will merely ask question after question until finally using their husband’s credit card to buy a new iPad, but you’ll also suffer from the blue balls of never penetrating their memories or their vaginas. Spare some of your dick by instead seeking employment at the nearby Bagelsmith. ‘Cause the drunk women who roll up in there are far more likely to give you the time of day.