Bagels are divine, objectively–no one wants to argue that point. Especially the ones of the New York breed. While some scoff at choosing Bagelsmith over The Bagel Store, any alcoholic “man” worth his weight in hard liquor will know that Bagelsmith will be there for you at all hours of the night with its go-to selection of classics, whereas The Bagel Store prides itself on normal hours and bagel bastardizations.

Da dough

The bastardizations in question are rainbow bagels, and, of late, Super Bowl team color bagels. While it’s all well and fine to experiment (with sexuality), one can’t help but see the obviousness in a “man’s” dick state when he gets hard for bagels of this multicolored variety. You know, it’s a rainbow. The same color as a certain flag that represents an entire movement. Any who, a “man” shouldn’t need a rainbow in his food choices (yes, even vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles is reserved for women). He should only need one in the metaphorical sense of his sex position variety.