I get it, Thanksgiving is an emotionally stressful time during which we’re all looking for some sort of release. However, “men” who feel that this release should come from hitting on the female family members of their friends are, quite simply, skeevy. As if the scent of desperation wafting off of you wasn’t enough to prevent anyone from actually inserting your non-existent dick into them, then surely that hideous sweater you’re wearing will.

Granted, women can be pretty vulnerable at this time of year, especially if they’re single or recently broken up and dealing with the pressure of familial judgment. But capitalizing on that susceptibility doesn’t increase your odds for getting sex, merely your odds for having to listen to her talk about her problems while she dangles her pussy before you with no real intention of actually handing it over. And that makes you something of a eunuch stranger to her who she just happens to be frenzied enough to share her plight with–certainly not fuck material. So give it up, go back to the table and content yourself with having to wait until you return to Williamsburg to troll for someone.