Men Who Don’t Lock Their Doors.

So I know living in Williamsburg automatically means you have money to burn, but leaving one’s door unlocked to invite the pilfering of your possessions seems hyperbolically wasteful. It’s like you’re inviting Christopher Lloyd in Dennis the Menace to creep into your house and start shoveling the silver into his nondescript, shapeless beige sack.

Waiting for those unlocked doors

Waiting for those unlocked doors

In fact, to reference another John Hughes movie, one would think Harry Lime in Home Alone was alluding to Williamsburg when he said, “I bet they don’t even lock their doors.” Even if the motive for not bothering to secure one’s apartment before leaving for an overpriced brunch at Pies ‘n’ Thighs is due to a Buddhist approach wherein possessions mean nothing to you, wouldn’t you want to at least give it to someone with more gumption? Someone who would plunder from the Upper West and East Side rather than take the easy route of stealing from rich people by honing in on Williamsburg?

Men Who Steal MacBooks For a Living.

Okay, so I understand that working is, for the Williamsburg “man,” the equivalent of being poor, but if you must steal something to make money you’re 1) already kind of dickless and 2) shouldn’t steal something with the spineless/lethargic connotations of a MacBook.

The golden ticket for some "men"

The golden ticket for some “men”

And yet, this is exactly what one area “man” has decided to do. From Union Avenue to Graham Avenue, the “man” has preyed on the combination of white affluence and carelessness that has snagged him upwards of at least ten MacBooks. To worsen the matter of his crime, he’s also known to wear a beanie and a hooded sweatshirt, in true cliche 90s hoodlum form. If you’re going to be a burglar, at least come up with an innovative incognito ensemble. Perhaps the only thing that could make it more heinous is if he started to write his novel or screenplay on one of the stolen pieces of merchandise.