Men Who Troll Other People’s Female Family Members on Thanksgiving.

I get it, Thanksgiving is an emotionally stressful time during which we’re all looking for some sort of release. However, “men” who feel that this release should come from hitting on the female family members of their friends are, quite simply, skeevy. As if the scent of desperation wafting off of you wasn’t enough to prevent anyone from actually inserting your non-existent dick into them, then surely that hideous sweater you’re wearing will.

And don't think you'll get lucky with someone's sister at a bar afterward either

And don’t think you’ll get lucky with someone’s sister at a bar afterward either

Granted, women can be pretty vulnerable at this time of year, especially if they’re single or recently broken up and dealing with the pressure of familial judgment. But capitalizing on that susceptibility doesn’t increase your odds for getting sex, merely your odds for having to listen to her talk about her problems while she dangles her pussy before you with no real intention of actually handing it over. And that makes you something of a eunuch stranger to her who she just happens to be frenzied enough to share her plight with–certainly not fuck material. So give it up, go back to the table and content yourself with having to wait until you return to Williamsburg to troll for someone.

Men Who Don’t Cook on Thanksgiving.

Because Williamsburg “men” have a general tendency toward a certain feyness/daintiness, cooking is a skill that’s a little too involved for their specific “talents.” In spite of still being regarded as “a woman’s job,” culinary ability bears the mark of a man with a dick. As for the average Wburg “man,” if they’re not being waited on hand and foot by their girlfriend or their cleaning woman, then they’re probably going out to a restaurant for Thanksgiving, in typical fagula fashion.

Of course!

Of course!

But if a “man” actually took the time to use the beautiful kitchen in his waterfront condo, as well as the bougie ingredients he’s bought from the Bedford Cheese Shop, he might find that making something really isn’t that difficult. It just involves time and a soul, though, I guess, therein lies the problem. So if you’re dealing with a “man” who doesn’t cook in general and especially on Thanksgiving (some cranberry sauce, shit, anything), then you’re most likely dealing with someone of the dickless variety.