Men Who Aren’t Aware That Emojis Are Interpreted With the Same Level of Study as the Talmud.

A happy face. A face with a wink and a tongue sticking out. A “man” on a surfboard. It all seems so innocent and nonchalant to most “men” unaware that texting is an art form that should be treated with the same level of care as writing a thesis. Because the woman on the other side of that text is going to analyze it with the meticulousness of a holy document, and he should at least have the consideration to know that any especially esoteric emoji will keep her busy dissecting for hours.

It can’t be helped, really, as she wants so badly to find depth and thought where there is none: inside a “man’s” mind. But no, the “male” texter in question has far less strategy in his method of communication, arbitrarily choosing laughing, crying or kissy faces as the whim strikes him. If only he could put just a touch more intent behind what he said, as opposed to emitting what amounts to emoji salad, a grab bag of meaninglessness that the girl he’s sending it to is deranged enough to attempt deciphering like Talmudic law.

Men Who Text “Hey Lady”.

While saying the word “lady” in any context and in any time period is nothing short of disgusting, there is a distinct brand of dicklessness to the “man” who actually types the words “Hey lady” out into a text. It shows that the “man” was given greater opportunity to truly consider what words he was using to address not a lady, but a girl, woman or female. When a “man” uses the word “lady,” it simply conjures the lyrics to “Dude (Looks Like A Lady).”

Of all things a “man” can text (especially in the middle of the night), it seems that “Hey lady” is by far the most condescending and hackneyed. In general, you will be lucky if any self-respecting woman responds to your banal greeting. And if she does, then, indeed, you deserve one another.

Men Who Text With Question Mark Punctuation.

If you’re texting with a question mark, you’re screaming Tinder date. At best, OKCupid troller. “Do you want to get together?”, “Hello?”, “What’s up?” and “Nude pics?” are all the types of phrases that end with a question mark. Therefore, it is to be sure that if you’re texting anything that requires a question mark, you’re probably asking something utterly dickless. Though, in most cases, “men” don’t favor proper grammatical use at all as it involves too much effort and meticulousness, the question mark does make a surprising and frequent cameo with matters pertaining to sexual pursuit.

Stop asking questions, start making assumptions and assertions

Stop asking questions, start making assumptions and assertions

Even so-called pleasant questions like, “Wanna go to dinner?” smack of a “man” who doesn’t know what he wants and can’t offer any suggestions that are a worth damn. So if you want to improve your standing within the Williamsburg texting/sexting community, do yourself a favor and start using a period–at least as regularly as women have them.

Men Who You Once Hooked Up With That Text You Randomly in the Middle of the Night.

So, a lot of “men” like to keep you on reserve after you’ve fucked them and they’ve decided to stop talking to you for awhile. But then, out of nowhere, they’ll contact you from the great beyond, whether because they’ve run out of options for the evening or something triggered their memory long enough for them to remember who you are.

Unwanted persistence

Unwanted persistence

When this happens, they’ll text you things like, “What are you up to lady?” or “Hey” as a pathetic means to get back into your good vaginal graces. And because you once used to fuck him semi-regularly every time you saw him at that same bar in Williamsburg, he just assumes you’ll do it again and again no matter how much you’ve progressed in your life. To this “man,” a cleansing of contacts is urged. Because, to be honest, no woman is desperate enough to fuck you months or years after you’ve given her the brush off.

Men Who Text in Monosyllabic Caveman Speak.

Reading into texting is simply an unavoidable construct of the twenty-first century. However, certain dickless men make it impossible to interpret anything with responses like “Idk” or “Ugh.” Are women so unworth the effort of forming a complete and meaningful sentence? What could you possibly be doing besides masturbating (or, rather, trying to pull at the flap of skin in place of your dick) that could prevent you from taking some time to write a coherent thought?

Distracted by porn.

Distracted by porn.

As a denizen of Williamsburg, you might think you have an edge because of your financial status. You don’t. But what could give you an edge is actually speaking like a human being, and not some sort of Neanderthal automaton. It’s not as though we’re expecting some poetic response, novel in length. But a simple utterance of more than one to two words would really show that you give a shit. And so, if you’re teetering between dicklessness and at least having a nub, work on your texting steez please.