Men Who Want to Hold Your Hand.

In truth, the only “man” who has ever gotten away with declaring a hand-holding fetish is John Lennon–and even then, he needed the other Beatles to help him out in backing him up with this conviction. But, outside of the pre-psychedelic 60s, holding a girl’s hand is not only completely gross, but generally rife with motives and disingenuousness.

There’s a reason why, when this happens to you, you feel spurious or like one of those Ralph Lauren-wearing couples that occasionally walk down the street in parts of Manhattan. Because not only are you pretending your hands aren’t sweating bullets after a time, you’re also marveling at just how fake you feel letting a “man” Smith Jerrod you. And, like Samantha Jones, you might go so far as to let yourself fall down a hatch on the sidewalk in order to avoid this level of uncomfortableness.

For you see, more than a gesture of tenderness or inveterate kindness, the “man” who wants to hold your hand is laying claim to you in a way that embarrassingly parades to everyone that you’re “his.” That’s why Ferris Bueller’s clammy hand symptom is good for staving off the overall phoniness of this gesture.

Men Who Distance Themselves When You Start to Show Emotion.

There’s never been much room in general for emotions in a “man’s” wheelhouse. But now, more than ever, it seems that those falsely advertising a penis are incapable of handling it when a woman begins to start showing too much sentimentality or attachment.

What's the big deal?

What’s the big deal?

The slightest hint of a tear, the faintest expression of being too into it–and you’re done, written off for a psycho like the rest of them. This is why subterfuge, suppression and damn near silence is the unfortunate game a female must play at to prevent the stock reaction of a “man” distancing himself upon detecting vulnerability. And yet, maybe it’s best to go out with a bang (both literal and figurative), letting your face melt off with emotion. If he stays, maybe he’s got a dick–that, or dull senses.