south williamsburg

Men Who Grope 7-Year-Olds.

May 5, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Men” in general have very little discernment when it comes to sexual comportment. Between routine rapings and unwanted “affection” on the subway, it’s all women can do in this town to keep their bodies and vaginas free of taint.

Scene of the crime

Scene of the crime

But for an innocent seven-year-old to be incapable of even walking into a grocery store without getting her ass grabbed is a bit on the extreme side of the dicklessness currently pervading not just the North Williamsburg scene, but now trickling deep (pardon the sexual connotation) to the South side, in this case, at a kosher grocery store called Southside Food Plaza. The offending “man” clearly has the mind of a sociopath, like most people feigning the possession of a wang who feel the need to lash out because of how nonexistent it actually is.

Men Who Use Furnishare.

March 2, 2016 — 1 Comment

As any woman trying to navigate the riffraff of Williamsburg (see: The Bedford Stop) will tell you, the first sign of a dickless “man” is one who uses Furnishare to outfit the interior design of his apartment, which, if he’s using Furnishare, probably means he doesn’t even own a condo. No, in fact, he’s most likely still clinging to what’s left of the “affordability” of the neighborhood by renting a shitty room on the south side.

Even the Furnishare logo seems a bit shoddy

Even the Furnishare logo seems a bit shoddy

He is also working way too hard to try to impress whoever he can manage to finagle into his apartment by bothering with a furniture renting service. Any “man” willing to accept himself for who he truly is shouldn’t be afraid to own up to his poverty level, thereby furnishing his home with whatever rich person’s leftovers he finds on the avenues from Bedford to Kent. It’s much more indickative of his character than a “man” who tries to put up a front that hides the true nature of his financial status.

Men Who Make You Sign Leases That Prevent You From Taking Birth Control or Conducting Stem Cell Research.

September 27, 2015 — Leave a comment

The relationship between secular buildings and churches has become a strong one of late, what with the potential for converting them into condos. The latest case is an edifice owned by Saint Peter and Paul Church, which has stipulated as a clause in their lease that in order to live in the building, tenants must refrain from “non-Catholic activities.”

What Jesus would do

What Jesus would do

A non-Catholic activity, of course, includes stem cell research, taking birth control, having an abortion, watching porn and partaking in euthanasia (giving or receiving, I assume). That’s right, most Brooklynites’ favorite things are banned from their existence if they want to live in this prime spot on Wythe Avenue and South 2nd Street. As a “man,” opting to live there would definitely rule out getting evicted for abortions and birth control use, but it would allow the further castration of your genitals for sure. As Missy Elliott once asked, “Is it worth it?”

Men Who Live In Teeny Tiny Triangle Shaped Buildings In Order to Squeeze Into Williamsburg.

January 9, 2015 — Leave a comment

Real estate in Williamsburg and essentially anywhere in North Brooklyn is almost impossible to attain. So what does one do when the space is in short supply? Eke out a patch of it on one of those meridian triangles that should in no way be permissible to have a building erected on.

The triangle in question.

The triangle in question.


Located on the distinct geometrical shape known as Heyward Street, the first in what will inevitably be a series of petite triangle-shaped buildings has cropped up thanks to a building permit that was requested in 2012 (an apocalyptic year, to be sure). This trend-setting architectural feat of insanity is, to put it mildly, indicative. Any “man” living in a building of this nature should be given serious reconsideration as a one-night stand prospect.