Men Who Tell You Missing A Dick Is Irrelevant & “Not Woke” Enough.

As time wears on and certain parties start to more commonly bandy terms like “gender essentialism,” the existence of a thesis statement like Missing a Dick constantly comes under fire by “men” (and even women, as there’s so few wholly straight ones left–then again, it’s been decreed by Kinsey that no one is or can be wholly anything). They’ll say it’s not “woke” enough, insist that the content is far too discriminative, and that its literal reference to dicks is insensitive to trans people who actually got their panisse removed.

Well, fine, call it “insensitive.” But what about the uncaringness of other non-heteronormative types? The ones who nitpick at every little thing you say relating to gender because it’s now deemed antiquated, not “up to date” with the times and indicative of your overall obstuseness in how you view the world from your narrow-minded, non-pansexual little eyes. Or, worse than not being pansexual or transsexual or try-sexual, simply “promoting heterosexuality as the norm” with “your little Missing a Dick blog.” And yet, there are so few spaces for women to adequately rant about “men” without the censorship of such shittaytay outposts as xoJane. It seems that at this rate, talking about anything from a straight lens as a straight person will somehow be tantamount to saying Oriental or Negro: hopelessly out of touch with what’s going on. And all because you can’t change your sexuality to fit the current mold. Is this payback for the 1950s or something? When male-female monogamy was at its peak propaganda-wise. Because that wasn’t my fault–it was Senator McCarthy’s.

Men Who Accuse You of Having An STD, Get Tested & Then Reach Out To You Again to Bang When It Comes Back Negative.

It’s already been long ago established that “men” have nothing resembling any sense of shame. Maybe that’s how they’ve managed to get so much further ahead in life than women (while also somehow getting head in the process–as if they need another reward for their bad behavior). And maybe that’s why so many of them (particularly the married kind) prefer to outwardly accuse a woman of having an STD as opposed to being a gentleman by getting the test without telling her, finding out the results and then slinging accusations at her about the state of her health.

No, instead, the average “man” prefers to pre-shame, to jump the gun in letting the woman he derived his pleasure from feel that she’s a dirty whore who ought to stop spreading her disease all over town. Then, a few days later when he finds out he was letting the paranoia that even weed can’t justify set in, he’ll somehow have the balls (though he’s still missing a dick) to reach out to you again and ask you a frivolous, non sequitur question like, “Have you seen Blow-Up?,” as though you’re just supposed to swoon over his Antonioni 101 knowledge and forgive him of recently making you feel like little better than trash found on the street to masturbate with.

Men Who Can Only Cum Via Self-Love.

With the sexlessness that continues to pervade the current era, “men” seem to have more and more difficulty with actually cumming inside a woman as opposed to outside of one and by themselves. Perhaps it’s the pressure and the stress of being viewed as an evermore useless gender, or simply that “men” have no idea what to do with a vagine anymore.

The reason, like so many things about “men,” is elusive, and not necessarily a reflection of the woman so much as the bloke in her bed’s irksome psychosis and propensity toward asexuality (think: Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson). Although, as always, sheer narcissism could be at play. His need to beat the meat by himself–or worse, in front of her–in order to cum is not only tantamount to staring at a locked refrigerator while hungry, but also an extreme insult to the capabilities of a pussy.

However, as “men” delve deeper into the depths of the epicene, it’s likely that self-love will indeed be the wave of the future–the norm, if you will. And if “men” are only giving it up to themselves, it means women in the “straight world” will be forced to do the same.

Men Who Are Freaked Out By The Unexpected Taste of Period Blood.

Listen, we’ve all made exceptions regarding sexual practices at the tail end of our period. We either simply forget that it’s still concluding or assume that the “man” in question will be too blacked out to notice a light sampling of blood. But every now and again, if you manage to find that rare breed who doesn’t evade eating you out, you and he might both be taken aback by the presence of more blood than expected.

“I looked like Hannibal Lecter,” he’ll whine to you after returning from the bathroom. Then you’ll feel like a shithead, as though it’s your fault that nature did this to you, and you have other things to keep track of besides whether or not you should still be wearing a tampon. But in today’s world of dainty “men,” there’s usually no coming back from an incident like this. He will toss you out in favor of a Seasonale sort of broad. Whereas women eat ass, suck hairy dicks, lick sweaty skin and are willing to tolerate the looser flesh of an older gentleman and pretty much any other physical flaw. But no, a “man” can’t handle a little period blood now and again. Jesus Christ, it’s good for one’s constitution.

Men Who Throw Being Gay in Your Face To Shame You For Their Own Purposes.

While Missing A Dick tends to favor the misdeeds and missed dicks of straight “men,” there are, of course many things that gay “men” do as well to cause irritation (though rarely in the vaginal area). And I’m not just talking about how their musical preferences have evolved for the worse (you don’t turn your back on Madonna, you just don’t). Chief among their offenses is when you try to call them out for being “men,” doing accordingly irksome things, and they get upset and essentially scream at you, “I’m gay, thanks! Whatever you’re saying doesn’t apply.” As if gaydom exempts them from the crimes of their gender.

We get it, you think you're exempt from all straight "man" criticism

We get it, you think you’re exempt from all straight “man” criticism

While, yes, the gay “man” possesses certain qualities distinctly different from the hetero ones (the most overt being his love of sausage and generally better taste), he is perhaps more dickless for playing the homosexuality card at every turn. “Will you come to a strip club for my birthday?” “I’m gay. What do I want to see that shit for?–wait, do they play good music? Are the bouncers hot?” “Do you want a cocktail?” “I’m gay. Stop stereotyping.” “Have you seen my dildo?” “I’m gay. You left it out so I used it.” It seems as though it is women, ironically enough, who cause the most offense to the gay “man,” as though they resent us for being more feminine. What Valerie Solanas would call “pussy envy.” Or maybe they just hate us find us useless because we can’t fuck them the way they want to be. In any case, there is nothing worse than a gay “man” who brings the nature of his sexuality into the mix for the sole purpose of shaming and/or getting his way. A “man” is a “man”–it don’t matter if he fucks them too.

Men Who Get Their Salad Tossed Without Tossing Back.

As salad tossing becomes an evermore common offer on the menu of sexual relations (I hope you’re picturing Bill Clinton saying that phrase), it has managed to reach the sort of level that head-giving has. And, as we all know, the type of “man” who gets head without giving it is the ultimate selfish piece of shit. The same goes for rimming.

What could be better?

What could be better?

While, yes, a certain amount of “higher intimacy” is usually required in order for a “man” to be willing to toss a woman’s salad, why is it that he always seems to expect it as the norm for himself from a woman he barely knows. Moreover, how gay is he on the Kinsey scale if he has such a predilection for getting his ass eaten? While Khia blazed the trail for even discussing this sexual phenomenon, it’s still not addressed the way it needs to be, particularly on the woman’s part, as she is the most willing to take a crack at the crack without asking for anything in return. Thus, the sexual revolution won’t be complete until equality is reached on this front.