Men Who Need Obvious “Safety Tips” to Avoid Getting Robbed.

Because Williamsburg is now an easy target for robbery and theft thanks to its rich and, let’s face it, kind of dumb population, the police have rallied to protect “the hipster set” from themselves by starting a safety campaign called OutsmartBK in the wake of the surge in robberies in the neighborhood.

An overt thief among the crowd

An overt thief among the crowd

Most pathetic of all, the police are collaborating with the bars of North Brooklyn in order to get their “useful” information into the minds of the public being targeted (read: white boys who never stepped out of their mansion until moving to a condo in Williamsburg). This means attempting to create a hashtag that will motivate people to give a shit about themselves–yet another instance of passive Twitter activism. But let’s face it, if a “man” doesn’t already know to keep his wallet closed, his doors locked and not act like a rich fuck that will lure any robber with half a brain, he deserves the crime inflicted.

Men Who Don’t Lock Their Doors.

So I know living in Williamsburg automatically means you have money to burn, but leaving one’s door unlocked to invite the pilfering of your possessions seems hyperbolically wasteful. It’s like you’re inviting Christopher Lloyd in Dennis the Menace to creep into your house and start shoveling the silver into his nondescript, shapeless beige sack.

Waiting for those unlocked doors

Waiting for those unlocked doors

In fact, to reference another John Hughes movie, one would think Harry Lime in Home Alone was alluding to Williamsburg when he said, “I bet they don’t even lock their doors.” Even if the motive for not bothering to secure one’s apartment before leaving for an overpriced brunch at Pies ‘n’ Thighs is due to a Buddhist approach wherein possessions mean nothing to you, wouldn’t you want to at least give it to someone with more gumption? Someone who would plunder from the Upper West and East Side rather than take the easy route of stealing from rich people by honing in on Williamsburg?

Men Who Have A “Bag” a.k.a. Purse To Steal

A recent rash of robberies at Williamsburg bars by a thief targeting unattended bags leaves one to automatically to assume that the victims were women. However, one description does not specifically state that the person whose “bag” was stolen was a female, leading one to deduce that, in fact, he was a “man.”

No, this does not "work"

No, this does not “work”

Because this isn’t Europe, “man bags” have never been passable, in spite of the ever-lax gender roles offered by the twenty-first century. To be frank, a “man” with a “bag” deserves to have it stolen. Because not only is it a crime against fashion, but a crime against your dick to have one. A backpack is maybe acceptable, but a “bag,” never. Just ask Joey Tribbiani.