Men Who Find Women Who Are Bitches Charming.

With gender roles and expectations turned on their ear during this nameless and bland epoch, out of the ashes has risen the “charming” bitch. She’s something of a mutant hybrid of the bawdy broad (as perfected by Mae West) and a trust fund baby. Lest “men” get the impression they can have a free-for-all on what constitutes a bitch, let me break it down for you.

Mae West: the original charming bitch

Mae West: the original charming bitch

The “charming” bitch expects nothing less than the best for herself at any cost, and if you can’t give it to her she won’t give you the goddamn time of day. She has no interest in you other than what you can buy her or where you can take her. She is, in short, a composite of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. The “average” bitch “men” tend to think of when they hear this word, however, is a woman like Madonna, who expresses herself time and time again, no matter how many critical voices try to quell her opinion.

Madonna, the conventional version of how "men" define a bitch

Madonna, the conventional version of how “men” define a bitch

And yet, the real bitches are the ones they lust after under the false impression that these women are unattainable when, really, you could find one at any rooftop bar in Williamsburg. Rather than her vitriolic utterances being insightful and incisive, they are vacantly snarky and void of substance. So, to sum up, “men” who like these seething, gaping sores of females–oozing out materialism and vacuousness–kind of deserve to be stuck with them.

Men With a Certain Kind of Dog

The type of dog you choose for yourself obviously says a lot about who you are as a person (man). In Williamsburg, most men have forgotten that having a large dog that takes mammoth-sized shits is very important to not being dickless. Unfortunately, even though many bars are dog-friendly, it seems as though Wburg residents are quite contented to have small, bitch-worthy dogs. We’re talking chihuahuas…the dog choice of Paris Hilton. If there’s any greater sign of a lack of masculinity, it’s men who don’t have a real dog. By “real,” I mean German shepherd, Great Dane, Saint Bernard, etc. So, don’t miss out on your dick by settling for a dog that weighs any less than 180 pounds.