Men Who Still Try to Troll For Pussy Past 1 a.m.

There is a certain kind of “man” who refuses to give up the ghost of his potential for sex while trolling the bar Monday through Sunday. No matter how late it gets and, thusly, how significantly the potential for taking someone home with him dwindles, he still can’t seem to apprehend that he is leaving the bar alone.

Donny boy is just the type of "man" to troll past 1 a.m.--good looks or not

Donny boy is just the type of “man” to troll past 1 a.m.–good looks or not

He will ignore all attempts at sustaining any form of dignity by leering, slurring and offering to buy drinks to any woman who looks vulnerable enough to take the bait. But, truth be told, the type of “man” who is willing to opt for the type of woman leftover by the time last call rolls around is probably finding his soul mate–for the night. Particularly at Lucky Dog.

Men Who Drink at James Murphy’s Wine Bar.

We all love LCD Soundsystem. We’re all still mourning the end of the band in the wake of their final Madison Square Garden show in 2011. And yet, lead singer James Murphy’s plans to open a wine bar in Williamsburg is simply not the way to fill the void that has been present ever since LCD stopped putting out new music.

Murphy, who previously collaborated with Blowhard Blue Bottle to create a single-origin espresso line, is no stranger to the Williamsburg business scene. Perhaps that’s why he’s so attuned to knowing what will allow him to thrive in it–and that the density of dickless “men” in the neighborhood will flock to sit and drink “natural wine” for an obscene price. To add to the missing a dick nature of the establishment, it will be called The Four Horsemen and is moving into the space near Havemeyer and Grand where Foodswings used to be. Bottoms up (’cause you’re def getting cornholed in the bathroom of The Four Horsemen).

Men Who Apply For Affordable Housing in Williamsburg.

It’s bad enough to be truly dickless by being able to afford to live in Williamsburg. But to want to aspire to dicklessness by applying for affordable housing in Williamsburg is much worse. Indeed, it is a far nobler act to be contented with your poverty-stricken lot outside of this neighborhood, instead of lusting after a $640 a month studio near McCarren Park.

What "man" wouldn't want to live near this cess pool of class climbers?

What “man” wouldn’t want to live near this cess pool of class climbers?

Perhaps during the 2007-2010 period, it would have been understandable to still want to aspire to living in Williamsburg, however, at this moment in time, it is, hands down, one of the most concrete indications of being a douche bag/ex-frat boy. If you want affordable housing, show some goddamn gumption and start gentrifying East New York.

Men Who Are Intimidated by Carmela Soprano Types.

Carmela Soprano once said, “If I had an ounce of self-respect, I’d cut your dick off.” This statement obviously does not apply to you as you are not Tony Soprano and most likely don’t have a dick to cut off. But the fact that dickless “men” are generally intimidated by an imposing, expressive woman like Carmela is telling not only of a certain callowness, but also an inability to “handle” a “strong-minded” female.



Apart from “men’s” overwhelming fear of women who look to Lorena Bobbitt or Left-Eye as an inspiration, their wariness of decisive, self-assured types comes from their own realization that, apart from their dick (which they don’t have), they don’t really have anything to bring to the table (Carmela’s already got that covered anyway with her baked ziti).

Men Who Eat And/Or Handle Pussy With the Disgust of a Gay Man.

Even if you cross the initial hurdle of finding a “man” who eats pussy as often as he should, the next step is finding one who doesn’t treat your delicate flesh as though it’s contaminated (though of course it might be). Contrary to the common desire of “men” to want women to become as instantaneously wet as Lolita, getting to that point takes a certain amount of handling and the illusion of giving a shit about that specific vag. Bearing the psychological complexities of an actual human being, expecting to make a vag wet by either 1) not touching/licking it or 2) appearing utterly disgusted while doing the aforementioned (either through facial expression or disinterested hand or tongue motions) is not realistic.

This is how women look and feel when they're getting head from a "man" who handles a vag like vermin

This is how women look and feel when they’re getting head from a “man” who handles their vag like vermin

Let us take a moment to review the sort of “man” who is generally repulsed by a vagina: gay ones. While many women will be the first to admit that a pussy isn’t the most pleasant with regard to aesthetic and odor, it is also not the most foul creation ever to be rendered into existence. So stop treating it as such. Requests for a woman to take a shower before you eat her out will result in complete rescindment of the sexual offer, as it indicates you are something of a bitch who can’t handle and/or treat the pussy with the respect it’s due. Entreaties to shave or wax are justifiable, though not when your reaction to the orifice continues to be one of sheer revulsion. So as you work through your contempt for the V, you may also need to work through the possibility that your sexuality is a 6 on the Kinsey scale.

Men Who Are Perfect.

While some women are occasionally duped into believing certain “men” are perfect, there is, invariably no such thing, and some fatal, unspeakable flaw always lies beneath the surface. In Williamsburg, essentially the Stepford of Brooklyn (along with Park Slope, but for non-straight people), perfection is sought to be obtained through the ideal apartment overlooking the waterfront and the ideal non-mentally exerting job at a startup nearby.

Adonis does not exist, especially not in Williamsburg.

Adonis does not exist, especially not in Williamsburg.

“Men” who fool women into believing that they’re infallible on the physical and/or personality front always have something horrendous up their sleeve, like being obsessed with their parents or not eating pussy. If you find yourself across from a “man” over a candlelit dinner at an expensive restaurant like Zenkichi, run the fuck out of there because he’s probably a serial killer (but actually wait until the dinner’s over to take advantage of the perfectness of him paying for your food).

Men Who Act Mad Into You But Then Forget Who You Are Five Seconds Later.

It is no great secret that the attention span of “men” rivals that of a coked up socialite, however, it is still consistently surprising when they seem to suffer from symptoms of amnesia in terms of acting mad into you one minute and then essentially forgetting who you are the next. Maybe it’s due to the premium on drug and alcohol use in Williamsburg (though this trend has sadly waned in the wake of the neighborhood’s parental takeover) or maybe there’s just too many women to keep track of who all sort of look the same with their brown or blonde or red hair. Whatever the reason, “men” should probably start keeping better track of who they’re hitting on if they want to go home successfully with another person.

It's like Will Smith done used the Neuraliyzer on every "man" in Williamsburg

It’s like Will Smith done used the Neuraliyzer on every “man” in Williamsburg

The key to not appearing like a disengaged, sociopathic lothario while in a bar and unable to remember who you just hit on is to leave the bar and start over again. Do not make the mistake of risking the repetition of the same pick-up line to the same woman. This will fail miserably, and she will tell everyone else with a vagina at the bar about it. Hedge your bets by flirting with people early on in the night while you’re still somewhat sober and your memory is intact. Or just don’t talk to anyone ever and pretend that you can only speak sign language. This might gain you the sympathy fuck and you won’t ever have to worry about trying to remember what specific women look like.

Men Who Scrawl Marginal Graffiti on the Williamsburg Bridge.

When you’re scampering down the Williamsburg Bridge, embracing how free you are because you have no dick between your legs, you’re liable to succumb to the temptations of spraying a little graffiti somewhere (since you clearly can’t spray semen anywhere). This irksome form of “self-expression” has resulted in such shitty tags as “JIMJOE,” “I ‘Star of David’ New York (which would be better if it was written as “I ‘Star of David’ Jew York”) and “Nite Owl.”

Whether man or woman, "Nite Owl" doesn't have a dick

Whether man or woman, “Nite Owl” doesn’t have a dick

It’s difficult to be certain why “men” feel the need to mark their territory in such a base manner–though marking territory in general is always a base act. The only logical reason, really, is that it’s the closest they can get to experiencing the feeling of an all-out, unbridled, purging splooge. Because when you don’t have a dick, there are few other ways to re-create the singular act of ejaculation.

Men Who Flirt Gratuitously With Others Whilst They Have A Girlfriend.

Not only does gratuitous flirting with other bitches whilst you have a girlfriend show a sheer lack of respect for the woman you’ve managed to corral into 1) being with you and 2) putting up with your dicklessness, but it’s also just extremely hurtful. What is, after all, the point of having a girlfriend if you would prefer to lay on the charm thickly to others instead of her?

Williamsburg leaves a "man" with plenty of options for flirting

Williamsburg leaves a “man” with plenty of options for flirting

Perhaps to better edify you, we should go over what constitutes a flirtation. Here are some guidelines:
-Gazing overtly into another woman’s eyes, most likely imagining her without her clothes off
-Giggling annoyingly with another woman
-“Accidentally” brushing up against another woman
-Having dinner alone with another woman, particularly romantic foods such as oysters
Even Obama's missing a dick

Even Obama’s missing a dick

These are some key examples to avoid engaging in if you don’t want your girlfriend’s low self-image to plunge into the negative/promote her predilection for self-mutilation as a coping mechanism. Of course, “men” living in Williamsburg will try to maintain that there’s too many hot women in the area not to flirt with, but one has trouble sympathizing with your temptations when considering your girlfriend does not feel the same need to engage in coquetry with other “men.”
That's not your girlfriend

That’s not your girlfriend

While there are those “evolved,” “modern” types who maintain that a little healthy flirtation never hurt a relationship, it’s difficult to buy into as you watch the ever-enlarging wedge between you and your girlfriend further increase–mainly because, from a physical viewpoint, you’re standing too closely to some other broad. This is something to take into consideration when assessing the value of having your “ego” (read: lack of dick) stroked vs. the value of not completely shattering the ego of your girlfriend.

Men Who Text With Question Mark Punctuation.

If you’re texting with a question mark, you’re screaming Tinder date. At best, OKCupid troller. “Do you want to get together?”, “Hello?”, “What’s up?” and “Nude pics?” are all the types of phrases that end with a question mark. Therefore, it is to be sure that if you’re texting anything that requires a question mark, you’re probably asking something utterly dickless. Though, in most cases, “men” don’t favor proper grammatical use at all as it involves too much effort and meticulousness, the question mark does make a surprising and frequent cameo with matters pertaining to sexual pursuit.

Stop asking questions, start making assumptions and assertions

Stop asking questions, start making assumptions and assertions

Even so-called pleasant questions like, “Wanna go to dinner?” smack of a “man” who doesn’t know what he wants and can’t offer any suggestions that are a worth damn. So if you want to improve your standing within the Williamsburg texting/sexting community, do yourself a favor and start using a period–at least as regularly as women have them.