Men Who Enjoy Documentary Now! & Have Never Seen Any of the Documentaries Referenced.

For some reason, Documentary Now! has a tendency to creep into the arsenal filed under the Netflix and chill category. It’s humorous enough to loosen a girl up and non-committal enough to stop watching when things get sexual. And, of course, no “man” can resist Fred Armisen (Bill Hader, for whatever reason, seems to have less cachet to the straight white “male”). While the “man” who puts on Documentary Now! means well enough–has no idea that his lack of knowledge about documentary film is highly offensive–his decision to do so is indicative of a larger point: he’s a fucking dilettante.

And while, yeah, there are a lot of those in North Brooklyn, there’s no reason to be that way in terms of documentary connoisseurship. There are so few major and important ones, after all–and each of them have been covered by Documentary Now! at this point (even though it’s been renewed for a third season). The worst offense of all on a “man’s” part is having no clue what the first episode, “Sandy Passage,” is supposed to be parodying. While some might argue that no straight “man” can be expected to have ever watched Grey Gardens, it is a behemoth of not just the genre, but film itself. As one of Albert and David Maysles’ masterpieces (ranked also with Gimme Shelter and Salesman), there can be no adequate excuse for any “man,” cinephile or otherwise, having evaded this film, or being unaware of it until Armisen and Hader came along.

Watching it after seeing Documentary Now! cannot remedy the shortcoming and, in fact, cheapens the film as the “man” in question is only watching it because he’s learned about it from the show. But he’s probably already very familiar with “DRONEZ: The Hunt for El Chingon” as a result of watching VICE News “documentaries” on a regular basis. Oh how the genre has deteriorated to such a point as to enable “men” to believe that simply watching Documentary Now! is a sufficient source for their enrichment in the understanding of the medium.

Men Who Invite You Over To Watch A Movie & Then Don’t Do Anything Sexual To You.

With “Netflix and chill” being the pervasive euphemism that it is, it’s not as though any woman experiences shock when a “man” reaches over her shoulder with his arm and grabs her tit old school-going-to-the-movie-theater-style so as to initiate the inevitable process of disrobement. What’s more shocking, however, is when he does absolutely nothing sexual to her after inviting her over to “watch something.”

"I don't want your popcorn, I want your dick."

“I don’t want your popcorn, I want your dick.”

The only thing that should be watched when a woman is invited over is the gradual engorgement of her vagina as you finger it. And yet, knowing the Williamsburg lot, the only fingering that goes on is in the bowl filled with artisanal popcorn. The utter gall of subjecting a girl you’ve asked to your shittatay but expensive apartment to actually sit through almost two hours of cinematic non-gold (the dickless “men” always choose titles like Die Hard or Scarface as the classics they want to use to “impress” others in terms of showcasing how masculine they are) is completely unwarranted. If you really want to watch a movie in its entirety, do it on your own time, not the time you should be sexually satisfying someone else.