Men: So 2016.

The fixation on and preoccupation with “getting” a “man” to pay one the time of day she’s due is decidedly a 2016 phenomenon. Like everything else bad and ultimately fruitless from the year that took some of the only good “men” left in the world (granted, they were all of dubious sexuality), lusting or yearning after that false concept, “true love,” is a waste of a woman’s time. She’s better off focusing her energies on looking her best for her vibrator and making money to make herself look perpetually 28.

Pan or asexuality is the way in 2017. There is no in-between in America, after all–as you should well know from being unable to discuss politics with your parents. Or anyone outside of a naturally liberal major metropolis. Yes, to be sure, extremism applies more to sexuality now than it does or will to politics in the coming year.