Men Who Balk At the Bourgeois Lifestyle.

Because stereotypes make everything easier and generally hold some grain of longstanding truth (e.g. Italian Americans working in construction or plumbing), it is safe to say that the reason “men” hold such general contempt for women is a result of their many luxury “needs” (though some “males” would like to deny their unwitting complicity in the success of the beauty and fashion industries). The things, in short, that make them so very susceptible to desiring and coveting the bourgeois lifestyle. Certainly, it’s not as on blast as it was in the 50s, when Lucy was asking for all manner of increase in her allowance from Ricky, or in the 80s, when Bret Easton Ellis was inspired to write about someone as frivolous as Evelyn in American Psycho. But the residual materialistic airhead trope is hard to shake even with the firm presence of the twenty-first century as well (see: Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, Kylie Jenner specifically and, for some reason, Tiffany Trump).

The resentment “men” have toward women of this nature (which is to say, most of them), stems from the reflection it gives back of his own inadequacy as a functioning member of a capitalist society (the only society still recognized by mainstream media). Because, yes, for the most part, “a scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly” but also has no fucking money to at least back up a shitty, irascible personality in addition to being bad in bed. So it is that they balk at the bourgeoisie so as to make themselves feel slightly less deficient about being unable to ever be a part of it. Because you know goddamn well if you could be, you would be. That you would not be so quick to balk at an endless reserve of cash if you could actually access it without more than the effort it takes you to get out of your pathetic excuse for a bed.

Balking also aids in convincing the girl whose vagina they’ve briefly managed to enter that she’s the one who’s in the wrong–insane, in short–for wanting access to such vacuous things as a memory foam mattress or a Nespresso maker. Convince her that it’s the more proverbial “man” who has infected her brain with these false and inane aspirations that set us all back to the June Cleaver era. But like, again, if these things were handed to a “man” instead of him actually having to work for them, where would his balking be then? Probably slightly muffled by the taste of homemade bread from a stand mixer.

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Men Who Find Women Who Are Bitches Charming.

With gender roles and expectations turned on their ear during this nameless and bland epoch, out of the ashes has risen the “charming” bitch. She’s something of a mutant hybrid of the bawdy broad (as perfected by Mae West) and a trust fund baby. Lest “men” get the impression they can have a free-for-all on what constitutes a bitch, let me break it down for you.

Mae West: the original charming bitch

Mae West: the original charming bitch

The “charming” bitch expects nothing less than the best for herself at any cost, and if you can’t give it to her she won’t give you the goddamn time of day. She has no interest in you other than what you can buy her or where you can take her. She is, in short, a composite of Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. The “average” bitch “men” tend to think of when they hear this word, however, is a woman like Madonna, who expresses herself time and time again, no matter how many critical voices try to quell her opinion.

Madonna, the conventional version of how "men" define a bitch

Madonna, the conventional version of how “men” define a bitch

And yet, the real bitches are the ones they lust after under the false impression that these women are unattainable when, really, you could find one at any rooftop bar in Williamsburg. Rather than her vitriolic utterances being insightful and incisive, they are vacantly snarky and void of substance. So, to sum up, “men” who like these seething, gaping sores of females–oozing out materialism and vacuousness–kind of deserve to be stuck with them.