Men Who Can Only Cum Via Self-Love.

With the sexlessness that continues to pervade the current era, “men” seem to have more and more difficulty with actually cumming inside a woman as opposed to outside of one and by themselves. Perhaps it’s the pressure and the stress of being viewed as an evermore useless gender, or simply that “men” have no idea what to do with a vagine anymore.

The reason, like so many things about “men,” is elusive, and not necessarily a reflection of the woman so much as the bloke in her bed’s irksome psychosis and propensity toward asexuality (think: Andy Warhol and Michael Jackson). Although, as always, sheer narcissism could be at play. His need to beat the meat by himself–or worse, in front of her–in order to cum is not only tantamount to staring at a locked refrigerator while hungry, but also an extreme insult to the capabilities of a pussy.

However, as “men” delve deeper into the depths of the epicene, it’s likely that self-love will indeed be the wave of the future–the norm, if you will. And if “men” are only giving it up to themselves, it means women in the “straight world” will be forced to do the same.

Men Who Masturbate in Bed Next to You.

As Kevin Spacey in American Beauty so very succinctly illustrated, “men” have a natural tendency toward the crass, rude behavior of masturbating in bed next to a woman. Not only is this indicative of a “man’s” base needs/inability to control his sexual urges, but also a blatant lack of consideration for the body next to his.

This is how interested a woman is in having sex after waking up to a "man" masturbating next to her

This is how interested a woman is in having sex after waking up to a “man” masturbating next to her

The heedlessness and disrespect works on a two-pronged level: 1) it is disruptive to a woman’s sleep and 2) it is indicative that you’d rather fuck yourself than an actual vagina (though this is, admittedly, preferable to sleep rape)–or perhaps your “dick” is merely not sizable enough to fit into the vagina in the first place. Perchance,┬áthe best way to fulfill your disgraceful masturbation needs is to release your load quietly in the bathroom, so as to maintain some modicum of dignity. And maybe a better question to ask yourself is: Would Humphrey Bogart or Gary Cooper masturbate in bed next to a woman? No. And neither should you.