Men Who Are Faux Freaks That Really Just Want a Basique.

There’s a lot of “freaks” out there. It was the basis of an entire Sex and the City episode, for fuck’s sake (season two, episode three–“The Freak Show”–you should watch it, even though it’s really hard to be reminded of New York when it wasn’t so flaccid). But most of them are freaks not because they would have served well as extras in Tod Browning’s film of the same name, but because they actually have the gumption to sell themselves in this manner, parading themselves as “open,” “progressive” and hippy dippy or what have you when, in actuality, at the end of the day all they want is a muhfukkin basique. A non-Katie (a.k.a. complicato), like all the rest.

Yet possibly due to a typically youthful desire to seem rebellious and/or original (unfortunately youth extends interminably in most “men’s” “minds” these days), the faux freak “male” likes to feign that he’s as kooky and creepy as any sideshow attraction. This often translates into making a lot of random sounds, pretending to take an interest in off-brand bedroom behavior (when really, missionary is always his go-to in between the usual lackadaisical request for up the ass) and, for a time, seeking to pair with a girl who is as equitably 1950s queer as he is. However, every faux freak of a “man” grows tired of the charade with the girl who is genuinely a weirdo, ultimately taking his circus tent to a new metaphorical town (read: vagina) to perform another private show (as Britney Spears would call it), one that will enrapture a more basique element in the end, for that is what he truly wants–to be the so-called “special” one of the relationship.

Men Who Are Not Tightrope Walkers (Metaphorically Speaking).

To be a “man” in the twenty-first century has been deemed a challenge by most males who are merely upset that they weren’t living in the prime of the twentieth century (the 50s) when you didn’t have to be anything other than on time for dinner. But now, “men” must constantly toe the line between being sensitive and macho, while never being overly one of these characteristics.

Women love to watch "men" fall, or rather, fail at being the ideal "man"

Women love to watch “men” fall, or rather, fail at being the ideal “man”

That’s why the best possible “man” is a metaphorical tightrope walker, able to balance delicately on the wire between being a sniveling bitch and an asshole misogynist. One must embody just the right amount of sweetness, snarkiness and accommodatingness to successfully please a twenty-first century woman. Unfortunately, Williamsburg and beyond is peppered with nothing but twentieth century “men” still stuck in a mode of extreme sensitivity (1990s) or extreme brutishness (1900-1989).