j. crew

Men Who Have Been Told They’re Great Their Whole Lives But Are Actually Total Basics.

October 19, 2014 — Leave a comment

There are many “men,” particularly those who live in Williamsburg or were born in New York, who have this unbelievably false sense of being amazing and/or somehow special. This imagined feeling of superiority generally stems not only from no one telling them that their shit is basic, but, worse, the fact that there are those who bolster these “men’s” self-inflated opinions of themselves.

"Hi, I'm John Basic."

“Hi, I’m John Basic.”


The “man” who is delusional enough to think he’s great, but in actuality utterly normal, doesn’t make it happen all on his own. It starts from a very early age, usually caused by his equally delusional mother filling his head with ideas of grandeur. Because one’s early years are so formative, the “man” as “boy” gets it ingrained in his head that he truly is fantastic, when, in reality, he is a total basic. Hence, he lives in Williamsburg and will invariably shop at the J. Crew that’s now open on Wythe.

Men Who Date Women That Lower Their Style.

August 5, 2014 — Leave a comment

As a “straight” “man,” it’s important to date and/or have dalliances with women of a higher style caliber than you. It forces you to work at cultivating your own lacking fashion sense. And when I say style, I’m not talking the type of woman who wears Tory Burch flats or totes around a COACH bag like its the height of haute couture.

This is the type of COACH carrier you generally see. Don't make the mistake of associating with one.

This is the type of COACH carrier you generally see. Don’t make the mistake of associating with one.


You would think that coming across these sort of women would be a challenge in Williamsburg, but with the mutant forms of gentrification taking place (see: J. Crew), these strange creatures of banal basic bitch fashion are running rampant. And you would do well to avoid them if you don’t want your own personal style to scream “missing a dick.”