Men Who Do Their Top Nine.

Discovering one’s “Top Nine” photos (don’t ask me why it’s such an arbitrary amount) is the thing to have done in the last days of 2017. But, truth be told, determining what images will be put on display in collage form needn’t endure the scrambling code of an app to tell any of us what these pictures from the dickless will yield: they’re going to be of himself, his “travels” (though one really oughtn’t count running or mountain hike photos) and his exercise regimes.

How sodding original. Worst of all, his hashtag will be as generic as #topnine. Not even something more unique in its blandness like #kingofadventure #cantstopwontstop #topnine. And what is his aim in partaking of this particular inane trend? To appear more attractive (even as an “attached” “man”) to the equally thirsty women following him. Because every “man” sans dick knows the importance of building himself up to the outside world in order to soften the blow (or lack thereof knowing most “men’s” stinginess with performing oral) when a potential new female comes to know him in real life–without, of course, ever cumming at his hand (he’s likely a finger banger to substitute for the nub). The usage of Top Nine, for a “man,” is thus, just an undercover form of a Tinder profile.

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Men Who Only Have Black & White Instagram Photos.

These days, “men” and women alike are judged by how they curate their Instagram profiles. The importance of alluring potential romance stalkers is thus diminished tenfold if your simulated life shows any signs of being, shall we say, “less than.” While some “men” of the Williamsburg ilk might believe it’s “sophisticated” to favor the Moon, Willow or Inkwell filters, there really is nothing less so. Except maybe having a dark room that only gets used for skeevy Terry Richardson purposes.

Just because you take a shitty picture of the Williamsburg Waterfront and “mask” its commonness with a black and white filter doesn’t mean it’s actually good or that anyone is going to be taken in by your faux pretentiousness. And believe me, the only thing worse than real┬ápretentiousness is faux pretentiousness. Furthermore, showcasing one’s “sensitive” side via the B&W pic is only going be an affront to any food photos a “man” might take (women are highly tantalized by food, you know)–and what is worse than an image of bad food? An image of delectable comida without all its richness of color. So should you find yourself trolling a “man’s” Instagram profile only to find it’s heavy with the black and white, you best switch to a more dickful username to gander at.

Men Who Take Selfies.

As Missing a Dick has iterated many times before, there are some things in this life that are very gender-specific. Try as we might to veer away from this sort of specificity in the twenty-first century, you can’t eradicate an ages old indoctrination. One of the things that unambiguously belong to women is taking selfies.

"Men" who take selfies may or may not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

“Men” who take selfies may or may not have Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A “man” who takes a selfie may or may not be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is most assuredly missing a dick. The difference between a woman doing it and a “man” doing it is quite simply this: women are supposed to be obsessed with their looks. Their entire genetic code is founded on attracting others via appearance. All “men” have to do, on the other hand, is eat pussy, buy an occasional trinket and be able to form a string of sentences known as a conversation. Selfie-taking, therefore, does not compute in the equation of masculinity.