Men Who Are Scandalized by The Sight of What They Wish Could Be Their Own Genitalia.

It never ceases to amaze that anyone can be shocked in the current year we live in, as we hurtle evermore through time under the presumed guise of collective acceptance. Yes, 2017, when two ugly fat men control power from the West to the East and you’re deemed a dinosaur of anti-progress if you still identify concretely as anything. Fittingly, one “man” living on the Lower East Side has taken offense to the existence of a freshly painted mural that he has a ringside seat to every time he opens his window. Painted, appropriately, without balls by Swedish artist Carolina Falkholt on the day many need the cheer of dick most of all–Christmas Eve–its size is no doubt also threatening to the few straight “men” still left in the borough.

Accordingly, the reaction of feeling a combination of shame and outrage and then blaming it on being “not good for the kids” is an overt projection of one’s own issues. With his extremely small and useless panisse. Sure, it would be awful and scandalizing to open your window to the sight of a veiny, mammoth wang baiting you if you yourself had no penis to speak of. But that’s your own crying-for-therapy issue. That’s why it’s a shame someone like Samantha Jones or Dr. Ruth isn’t willing to live in a tenement on the LES.

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Men Who Scrawl Marginal Graffiti on the Williamsburg Bridge.

When you’re scampering down the Williamsburg Bridge, embracing how free you are because you have no dick between your legs, you’re liable to succumb to the temptations of spraying a little graffiti somewhere (since you clearly can’t spray semen anywhere). This irksome form of “self-expression” has resulted in such shitty tags as “JIMJOE,” “I ‘Star of David’ New York (which would be better if it was written as “I ‘Star of David’ Jew York”) and “Nite Owl.”

Whether man or woman, "Nite Owl" doesn't have a dick

Whether man or woman, “Nite Owl” doesn’t have a dick


It’s difficult to be certain why “men” feel the need to mark their territory in such a base manner–though marking territory in general is always a base act. The only logical reason, really, is that it’s the closest they can get to experiencing the feeling of an all-out, unbridled, purging splooge. Because when you don’t have a dick, there are few other ways to re-create the singular act of ejaculation.