Men Who Ask How They Can Not Gentrify Brooklyn.

To begin with, Brooklyn is gentrified. By and large. Those parts that are not will eventually be, just as soon as the appropriate number of bars and coffee shops (one to two each) make their way toward the New Lots Avenue stop, it’s all just a matter of quicksand in the hourglass.

Any “man” who was concerned about causing the phenomenon ought either to have 1) thought about that before moving anywhere that wasn’t the Upper East Side or Financial District, where whitey has already long had a foothold or 2) not been a member of any zoning committee circa 2005. The jig is up. If you’ve moved to B’kay, you aren’t adding to the problem, merely ousting white artists who got there before your corporate, parent-paid for ass.

And yet, one of the most oblivious Reddit users of all-time apparently saw fit to begin a thread called “How would a wealthy white kid move to Brooklyn and not contribute to gentrification?” The array of responses started out coddling and kindly enough, with the most obvious suggestion for his reminder, “money isn’t really an issue” (thanks to his parents), being: “don’t move to Brooklyn” and “don’t accept your parents’ money.” This extremely valid and straightforward advice, however, is lost on the type of freshly college graduated “man” who wants to keep up the appearance of not hailing from the very predecessors of the juggernaut that encourages and perpetuates gentrification.

The more dickful thing to do, in truth, would be to put a Kangol hat on and try your best to say or do nothing shameful, like act as though you give a shit about ousting anyone other than your nub of a penis from its overpriced condo, or worse, Banksy-themed building.

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Men Who Think Williamsburg is Hollywood.

Just when you’re certain Williamsburg gentrification is totally complete, you’ll see a “man” who looks like he just stepped stepped off a private plane from Los Angeles. Whether he’s a trust fund baby or someone who just came into some money and decided to become a producer, his aesthetic gives him completely away.

Just another night in the new Williamsburg.

Just another night in the new Williamsburg.

You may encounter this person on the street or at a bar with mahogany wood paneling throughout. But make no mistake, you will encounter him at some point during your stint in Williamsburg. If you’re attractive enough, he might even remove his sunglasses and start to chat you up. But if you’re not his cup o’ tea, you’ll never get that extra job you’ve been searching for.