Men Who Throw Being Gay in Your Face To Shame You For Their Own Purposes.

While Missing A Dick tends to favor the misdeeds and missed dicks of straight “men,” there are, of course many things that gay “men” do as well to cause irritation (though rarely in the vaginal area). And I’m not just talking about how their musical preferences have evolved for the worse (you don’t turn your back on Madonna, you just don’t). Chief among their offenses is when you try to call them out for being “men,” doing accordingly irksome things, and they get upset and essentially scream at you, “I’m gay, thanks! Whatever you’re saying doesn’t apply.” As if gaydom exempts them from the crimes of their gender.

We get it, you think you're exempt from all straight "man" criticism

We get it, you think you’re exempt from all straight “man” criticism

While, yes, the gay “man” possesses certain qualities distinctly different from the hetero ones (the most overt being his love of sausage and generally better taste), he is perhaps more dickless for playing the homosexuality card at every turn. “Will you come to a strip club for my birthday?” “I’m gay. What do I want to see that shit for?–wait, do they play good music? Are the bouncers hot?” “Do you want a cocktail?” “I’m gay. Stop stereotyping.” “Have you seen my dildo?” “I’m gay. You left it out so I used it.” It seems as though it is women, ironically enough, who cause the most offense to the gay “man,” as though they resent us for being more feminine. What Valerie Solanas would call “pussy envy.” Or maybe they just hate us find us useless because we can’t fuck them the way they want to be. In any case, there is nothing worse than a gay “man” who brings the nature of his sexuality into the mix for the sole purpose of shaming and/or getting his way. A “man” is a “man”–it don’t matter if he fucks them too.

Men Who Don’t Understand the Value of Kitsch.

For the most part, only gay “men” can appreciate the value of kitsch. That’s why finding a straight one who does is like finding a penis at a Sam Smith concert (damn near impossible). Or finding a penis in Taylor Swift’s bed. You get the drift: I like to make dick references. It’s difficult to discern why the straight male brain has so little room to understand the importance and hilarity of camp. Maybe his mind is too preoccupied with other dickless endeavors like watching the Super Bowl or making money (a “man” should just have money, not be obsessed with getting his hands on it).

Bucket hats and judgmental faces: what's not to understand?

Bucket hats and judgmental faces: what’s not to understand?

Whatever the reason for a “man’s” lack of understanding of pop culture and humor that’s, shall we say, clinquant, it can really detract from a relationship–particularly when a “man” is overly literal. How is a woman supposed to be with someone who doesn’t see the importance in watching a Glitter/Crossroads double feature? While Williamsburg “men” are gay bitches in so many ways, they aren’t in the one way that counts: comprehending the irony of the garish.