Men Who Are the New Women.

Gender reversal, in addition to the abolition of conventional gender perception altogether, has been steadily rising ever since Kurt Cobain put on a dress and called himself a feminist. As time wears on (and wears on women’s skin), the reversal has gradually become so complete that “men” have, in essence, transcended completely into women–though they’ve adopted all the worst qualities of the sex without seeming to take on any of the good ones (e.g. sensitivity and compassion).

Androgyny has become femininity

Androgyny has become femininity

As the new women, “men” enjoy delightful perks like mani/pedis, not working, not putting out, wearing their hair in buns and generally acting like bitches. The death of masculinity as we have known it continues to become a daunting thought. As Tony Soprano once said, “Whatever happened to the strong, silent type? Like Gary Cooper.” The answer is, their genes have been stamped out, their Y chromosomes seemingly obliterated or absorbed by the power of X.

Men Who Masturbate in Bed Next to You.

As Kevin Spacey in American Beauty so very succinctly illustrated, “men” have a natural tendency toward the crass, rude behavior of masturbating in bed next to a woman. Not only is this indicative of a “man’s” base needs/inability to control his sexual urges, but also a blatant lack of consideration for the body next to his.

This is how interested a woman is in having sex after waking up to a "man" masturbating next to her

This is how interested a woman is in having sex after waking up to a “man” masturbating next to her

The heedlessness and disrespect works on a two-pronged level: 1) it is disruptive to a woman’s sleep and 2) it is indicative that you’d rather fuck yourself than an actual vagina (though this is, admittedly, preferable to sleep rape)–or perhaps your “dick” is merely not sizable enough to fit into the vagina in the first place. Perchance,┬áthe best way to fulfill your disgraceful masturbation needs is to release your load quietly in the bathroom, so as to maintain some modicum of dignity. And maybe a better question to ask yourself is: Would Humphrey Bogart or Gary Cooper masturbate in bed next to a woman? No. And neither should you.