Men Who Call You Like A Dog.

I don’t really know where “men” got this notion that making noises at women as they walk by is conducive to getting a resounding, “Yes, I’ll fuck you!” in return. Maybe it stems from their lack of conversation skills or their general animalistic nature. Like so many things involving getting to the root of the male psyche, it’s a mystery.

Don't holla at yo girl

Don’t holla at yo girl

Perhaps a synapse in their brain just explodes when they see something they want to fuck and they can’t control themselves, acting like a dog as they call you like one. Though this tends to be rare during the daytime in Williamsburg, when all the “polite society” is still out with their strollers, the vibe tends to change at night. With the fall of the darkness comes the fall of the veneer of being decorous. “Men” feel comfortable calling out to your like you’re their goddamn domestic animal. But it’s okay, because you’re only going to keep walking away, leaving them to feel foolish in their attempts. Then again, we are dealing with the dickless sort, so they may not know what it means to be ashamed about anything.

Men Who Act Mad Into You But Then Forget Who You Are Five Seconds Later.

It is no great secret that the attention span of “men” rivals that of a coked up socialite, however, it is still consistently surprising when they seem to suffer from symptoms of amnesia in terms of acting mad into you one minute and then essentially forgetting who you are the next. Maybe it’s due to the premium on drug and alcohol use in Williamsburg (though this trend has sadly waned in the wake of the neighborhood’s parental takeover) or maybe there’s just too many women to keep track of who all sort of look the same with their brown or blonde or red hair. Whatever the reason, “men” should probably start keeping better track of who they’re hitting on if they want to go home successfully with another person.

It's like Will Smith done used the Neuraliyzer on every "man" in Williamsburg

It’s like Will Smith done used the Neuraliyzer on every “man” in Williamsburg

The key to not appearing like a disengaged, sociopathic lothario while in a bar and unable to remember who you just hit on is to leave the bar and start over again. Do not make the mistake of risking the repetition of the same pick-up line to the same woman. This will fail miserably, and she will tell everyone else with a vagina at the bar about it. Hedge your bets by flirting with people early on in the night while you’re still somewhat sober and your memory is intact. Or just don’t talk to anyone ever and pretend that you can only speak sign language. This might gain you the sympathy fuck and you won’t ever have to worry about trying to remember what specific women look like.

Men Who Flirt Gratuitously With Others Whilst They Have A Girlfriend.

Not only does gratuitous flirting with other bitches whilst you have a girlfriend show a sheer lack of respect for the woman you’ve managed to corral into 1) being with you and 2) putting up with your dicklessness, but it’s also just extremely hurtful. What is, after all, the point of having a girlfriend if you would prefer to lay on the charm thickly to others instead of her?

Williamsburg leaves a "man" with plenty of options for flirting

Williamsburg leaves a “man” with plenty of options for flirting

Perhaps to better edify you, we should go over what constitutes a flirtation. Here are some guidelines:
-Gazing overtly into another woman’s eyes, most likely imagining her without her clothes off
-Giggling annoyingly with another woman
-“Accidentally” brushing up against another woman
-Having dinner alone with another woman, particularly romantic foods such as oysters
Even Obama's missing a dick

Even Obama’s missing a dick

These are some key examples to avoid engaging in if you don’t want your girlfriend’s low self-image to plunge into the negative/promote her predilection for self-mutilation as a coping mechanism. Of course, “men” living in Williamsburg will try to maintain that there’s too many hot women in the area not to flirt with, but one has trouble sympathizing with your temptations when considering your girlfriend does not feel the same need to engage in coquetry with other “men.”
That's not your girlfriend

That’s not your girlfriend

While there are those “evolved,” “modern” types who maintain that a little healthy flirtation never hurt a relationship, it’s difficult to buy into as you watch the ever-enlarging wedge between you and your girlfriend further increase–mainly because, from a physical viewpoint, you’re standing too closely to some other broad. This is something to take into consideration when assessing the value of having your “ego” (read: lack of dick) stroked vs. the value of not completely shattering the ego of your girlfriend.